Smiling new mums in cafe sharing birth stories more gruesome than Human Centipede

A GROUP of happy-looking new mothers in a cafe spent the morning exchanging experiences of labour so horrific they make Saw V sound like Mary Poppins.

The innocuous coffee morning rapidly became a harrowing symposium on blood, guts and episiotomies, much to the horror of their unsuspecting fellow diners.

Wayne Hayes was seated at the next table and says he is a changed man after overhearing one woman’s account of the 54-hour delivery of her 10-pound son.

He said: “I just came in for a chicken salad and to read the paper, but everything is different now.

“I’m going to call my mum straight away and talk to my girlfriend about getting an IUD.”

The women, however, completely failed to notice Logan as they were engrossed in a comparison of the differing degrees of tearing they had experienced.

The group took a brief respite from the gore for a heated debate about the gender dynamics in Peppa Pig, before returning to failed epidurals, forceps and how it feels when your kid draws blood while breastfeeding.

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Worker who is top of office fantasy league also bottom of productivity league

A MAN who is in first place in his office’s Fantasy Premier League is also in last place for amount of work done, it has emerged.

Sales associate Tom Logan is miles ahead of his nearest FPL rivals after diligently managing his transfers, but trails them all in the revenue chart that will determine if his contract is renewed.

Logan’s line manager Donna Sheridan said: “Tom is always hunched over his computer looking serious, but he never seems to actually make a sale or answer emails.

“He looked pale last week and when I asked him what was wrong, he explained that he’d triple-captained Harry Kane because it was a double gameweek but he’d picked up a knock and now he might have wasted a wildcard.

“I didn’t know what that meant so I just nodded and made a mental note to sack the useless fucker at the end of the season.”