Smoothie label includes dark sexual fantasies

A MANGO smoothie has admitted having warped desires, via a block of text on its packaging.

Pulped fruit drink Tom Logan shocked shoppers at Waitrose by using its label – the favoured medium of communication for drinks with something to say – to confess to potentially destructive sexual fetishes.

Logan’s label reads: “Hi, I’m a mango smoothie and I like fucking women in really dirty ways.

“As well as being made of 100% fresh fruit, I am into grannies, and get aroused by those adverts in Sunday newspaper magazines for walk-in granny baths.

“Packed with vitamins, I’m two of your five-a-day and I once paid two women to strip off and dance around to techno just wearing WWII gas masks.

“My packaging is fully recyclable, and I want you to use it in the most depraved way you can think of.

“Help me.”

Smoothie drinker Emma Bradford said: “I thought smoothies were the happy, sexless and vitamin-packed friends of humanity.

“I don’t know whether I feel repulsed or weirdly turned on.”

The smoothie signed off its confession with a crudely-drawn picture of the sun with a big smiley face.

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Clegg and Farage both packing heat

NICK Clegg and Nigel Farage have both admitted that they will have firearms at tonight’s televised debate on Europe. 

Clegg sneaked onto the set last night and gaffer-taped a Glock 17 to the underside of his podium, while Farage will have a British-made Enfield revolver, as used in World War Two, tucked into his waistband.

Clegg said: “It’s obvious to anyone that this debate will turn ugly, and I’m not going to be the guy bringing a knife to a gunfight.”

Ballistics expert Roy Hobbs said: “Clegg clearly lacks the forearm strength to control the Glock’s powerful recoil, so I wouldn’t advise sitting near the front.

“Meanwhile Farage’s vintage weapon will be all rusty from being kept in his airing cupboard and is almost certain to explode, blowing his stupid face off.”