No-frills pub 'will allow pissing yourself'

A NEW super-economy pub chain will allow patrons to urinate where they sit, it has announced.

The Pintland chain offers a ‘no frills’ pub experience including terrifyingly cheap alcohol and a concrete-floored bar area that channels urine into a central drain.

After paying 50p at the door, customers will sit in pitch darkness slurping from troughs of alcohol, like some vision of hell in a 16th century woodcut.

Managing director Bill McKay said: “Pintland is aimed at drinkers who want oblivion as economically as possible, without distractions such as food, pictures on the walls or undoing your fly to urinate.”

“Patrons will be encouraged to urinate where they’re sitting, which avoids the cost of installing toilets and means that the savings can be passed on to the customer in the form of even cheaper ethanol from Latvia.”

He denied that the new pubs would encourage irresponsible drinking, saying bar staff were under strict instructions to stop serving anyone whose stomach had ruptured.

Alcohol enthusiast Nikki Hollis said: “Sounds great if you want a good cheap night out after a bitter divorce.

“It’s better than people sitting at home drinking on their own, where there’s no one to call an ambulance when you’ve glassed yourself after getting into a drunken argument with you.”

 

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

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