SOCIAL mobility in the UK is prevented by our utter loathing of anyone even slightly above or below us on the social ladder, a report has found.
The government’s social mobility commission has found that movement down the ladder is impossible because everyone below us is scum, while those wealthier than us are up-themselves arseholes with annoying facial features.
A spokesman said: “The British class system, with its millions of fine graduations, is bound together by our unyielding hatred of all the other social classes.
“The posh hate the poor, the poor hate the posh, everyone hates the middle-classes but not as much as they detest themselves.
“Social mobility is aggressively rejected by Britons who simultaneously don’t want to be anything like those fancy twats with their chiminea and Ocado deliveries, or anything like those chavs with their 55-inch telly and kids on quad-bikes.
“Nobody can move anywhere without betraying everything that makes them who they are. And so the stasis of British life continues.”
Recruitment consultant Carolyn Ryan said: “I hate everyone. It’s easiest.”