Social mobility hampered by mutual loathing between classes

SOCIAL mobility in the UK is prevented by our utter loathing of anyone even slightly above or below us on the social ladder, a report has found. 

The government’s social mobility commission has found that movement down the ladder is impossible because everyone below us is scum, while those wealthier than us are up-themselves arseholes with annoying facial features.

A spokesman said: “The British class system, with its millions of fine graduations, is bound together by our unyielding hatred of all the other social classes.

“The posh hate the poor, the poor hate the posh, everyone hates the middle-classes but not as much as they detest themselves.

“Social mobility is aggressively rejected by Britons who simultaneously don’t want to be anything like those fancy twats with their chiminea and Ocado deliveries, or anything like those chavs with their 55-inch telly and kids on quad-bikes.

“Nobody can move anywhere without betraying everything that makes them who they are. And so the stasis of British life continues.”

Recruitment consultant Carolyn Ryan said: “I hate everyone. It’s easiest.”

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Wikipedia celebrates first ever donation

THERE were joyful scenes in the offices of Wikipedia yesterday after the website received its first ever financial donation.

Following several years of online campaigning, the site received $10 cash – equivalent to about £8.12 – from an unnamed benefactor who staff think is most likely one of the CEO’s parents.

Wikipedia worker, Martin Bishop said: “Balloons fell from the ceiling, that song by Black Eyed Peas about having a good night came on and we all had a lovely piece of cake.

“I untucked my shirt, danced like a nutter and got off with a girl I’ve always liked. Then we all got to go home early.

“Of course, we’re not quite out of the woods yet. Paying for our offices, salaries and a server room the size of a small village will soon put a dent in that $10.

“We actually got another donation this morning but that was a $15 book token so I don’t think we can use it for bills.

“The tide has definitely turned. Whoever said compiling huge amounts of knowledge for everyone to use for free wasn’t a good business idea has got some serious egg on their face today.”