Son becomes head of family after eating most food over Christmas

A SON has toppled his father as head of the family after eating more than him over the festive season.

Nathan Muir, from Blackburn, devoured the most of his family’s Christmas lunch, tackling nine helpings of turkey where his father could only manage three before retiring with the meat sweats.

The younger Muir also clocking up the highest calorific intakes at the family’s annual Christmas Eve curry and Boxing Night Italian, managing 5948 and 9838 calories respectively.

He said: “There comes a time in every young man’s life when he has to stake his claim for the top by eating absolutely everything in sight.

“I ate candy canes off the tree, vast handfuls of Twiglets and three entire biscuit selection boxes that weren’t mine.”

He added: “I felt bad for the old warrior, but I think we both know who’ll be carving the meat next year.”

After a final pizza on New Year’s Eve, Nathan’s father Alan Muir walked out of the front door and wandered off to a local park where he will die alone.

Uber driver still trying to get man home from New Year’s Eve party

AN UBER driver has still not managed to complete a journey which began in the early hours of 2016.

London-based 38-year-old driver Wayne Hayes said: “I’m not fully certain where ‘Richmond Road’ is but it’s definitely getting closer.

“It’s been almost four days now, but the passenger and I are still having good banter despite being tired. I’ve been telling him about keeping pet birds, which is a hobby of mine.”

Hayes’s ongoing New Year’s Eve shift began promisingly with him hanging up a new vanilla air freshener in his Prius. He added: “The difficulties started when the Uber app buzzed, meaning I had to collect a person and drive them somewhere.

“I’m doing what the GPS says but it keeps trying to take us into walls and rivers. If it wasn’t for my common sense we’d both have drowned.”

Passenger Tom Booker said: “At first I was glad the driver was so close since I was dressed like Jack Sparrow.  But now that we’ve being driving for all of this year, with only short breaks for petrol and urination, I just want my bed.

“Wayne’s doing his best but probably I should just take the bus at this point. I think we’ll keep in touch as friends though.”