Stealing a car now less hassle than hiring one

BRITISH holidaymakers have been advised to steal a car rather than trying to rent one.

Hiring a car abroad was already a massive pain in the arse, and now fake-looking computerised UK driving licenses will make it even more hellish.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The car hire place is always in the more obscure region of the airport, with dozens of similar-looking desks staffed by people in blouses who are trained to have a problem with your ID.

“Even if you manage to overcome car hire bureaucracy, you then somehow have to identify your designated white Fiat 500 in a car park containing 8,500 white Fiat 500s.

“And how are you supposed to bring it back with a full tank when there isn’t a garage within twenty miles of the airport? Stick it in a horsebox?”

Professor Brubaker advised Britons to simply smash a window on the nearest reasonable-looking hatchback, hot wire the car using YouTube ‘how to’ videos and then return it a few days later with a note of apology and a conciliatory bottle of wine in the foot well.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “We needed a car in Ibiza so we swagged one from a McDonalds car park.

“After getting caught we had to bribe the police, but the kids loved getting their fingerprints done and mugshots make a great souvenir.

“I would recommend it, also because hire cars smell weird.”

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British men getting untoned for summer

BRITAIN’S men are getting their bodies into the perfect overweight shape for the beach.

With summer approaching, millions of men are on strict diets of beer and fatty food to get big, flabby bodies they can feel unselfconscious about.

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: “I want to lie on the beach like a magnificent pink walrus, not some toned ponce who doesn’t sweat when he eats.

“I’m drinking cans of lager in the office and whenever I feel like nibbling on crisps or sweets I have gigantic handfuls of them.”

Tom Booker, from Stevenage, added: “My holiday’s in six weeks and I’m still not ‘beach body ready’. I might have to wear tiny trunks and a child’s t-shirt.”

Jane Thompson, a single woman from Hatfield, said: “This is going to sound horribly sexist, but when I see all those British men at the beach, I’m like a kid in a sweet shop.”