Stop Producing MPs, Private Schools Warned

PRIVATE schools could lose their charitable status if they keep producing members of parliament, it emerged last night.

Despite targets to reduce alumni who end up ejaculating taxpayers' money onto a rent boy's face, private schools are still failing to meet their 20% 'non-shit' quota, according to the Charity Commission.

A spokesman said: "The tax breaks are based on them benefitting their communities in a variety of ways, not just keeping chinless brats regularly sodomised for six years.

"Ultimately we have to ask if it's right that the country continues to subsidise the education of a steady succession of halfwit bastards who then go on to become heavily subsidised MPs."

According to the commission one private school in Hertfordshire has produced two home secretaries, one chief whip and two dozen back-benchers in the last 20 years. The spokesman added: "That's a staggering number of publicly-funded, soul-sucking ball-tuggers."

Schools secretary Ed Balls said: "The fact that 85% of MPs are privately educated is a total coincidence, as I was telling Bodger, Biffy and Two-Pants Patterson just the other week."

Denys Ffinch-Hatton, headmaster of D'Arcy Bassington Academy For Boys in Knutsford, said: "We allow local children access to the swimming pool once a month, slightly more during the summer when the algae builds up, but when times are hard they need all the nutrition they can get their lips on and we get a lovely, clean pool."

He added: "They're always welcome to pluck our grouse and strangle a few rabbits for us, and I know many parents see the deflowering of a local village girl as an essential rite of passage for their aspiring member of parliament."

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Ageing Population Will Have To Take Tea As It Comes

AN ageing population means that old people may lose the right to pick holes in any cup of tea they haven't made themselves, according to new research.

By 2084 every other person will be over 90, placing a heavy strain on Britain's tea-making resources and making it untenable for old people to give a detailed critique of every hot drink put in front of them.

Stephen Malley, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Unless geriatrics can learn to drink their tea as it comes and without complaint, they will no longer be able to expect a continual supply."

The reports suggests that feedback from elderly persons about their tea being 'like dishwater', 'stewed', 'too cold', 'too hot', 'too full', 'having not enough/too much sugar' 'not right' and 'still not right' should be completely ignored, in the same way you ignore their malicious gossip about the Asian family who have recently moved in nearby.

Mr Malley added: "Old people are going to have to accept faster, more expedient tea making as a fact of life. Obviously they'll moan, but they'll still have their puzzle magazines, and their increasingly jumbled memories of the halcyon days when everyone had polio.

"And here's a tip, when they ask if you've warmed the pot first, just say 'yes'. It doesn't make slightest difference anyway."

Bill McKay, of the Federation of Old Persons, said: "Yes it does. You can't make a decent cup of tea unless you've warmed the pot for at least ten minutes. Then when you've made the tea you have to leave it to stand for at least quarter of an hour, otherwise you could die in agony."

He added: "Can I have some of your money?"