PRIVATE schools could lose their charitable status if they keep producing members of parliament, it emerged last night.
Despite targets to reduce alumni who end up ejaculating taxpayers' money onto a rent boy's face, private schools are still failing to meet their 20% 'non-shit' quota, according to the Charity Commission.
A spokesman said: "The tax breaks are based on them benefitting their communities in a variety of ways, not just keeping chinless brats regularly sodomised for six years.
"Ultimately we have to ask if it's right that the country continues to subsidise the education of a steady succession of halfwit bastards who then go on to become heavily subsidised MPs."
According to the commission one private school in Hertfordshire has produced two home secretaries, one chief whip and two dozen back-benchers in the last 20 years. The spokesman added: "That's a staggering number of publicly-funded, soul-sucking ball-tuggers."
Schools secretary Ed Balls said: "The fact that 85% of MPs are privately educated is a total coincidence, as I was telling Bodger, Biffy and Two-Pants Patterson just the other week."
Denys Ffinch-Hatton, headmaster of D'Arcy Bassington Academy For Boys in Knutsford, said: "We allow local children access to the swimming pool once a month, slightly more during the summer when the algae builds up, but when times are hard they need all the nutrition they can get their lips on and we get a lovely, clean pool."
He added: "They're always welcome to pluck our grouse and strangle a few rabbits for us, and I know many parents see the deflowering of a local village girl as an essential rite of passage for their aspiring member of parliament."