Student who got B at A-level branded total failure for rest of life

AN A-LEVEL student who received a B grade in further maths will be regarded as a complete and utter failure forever. 

18-year-old Joshua Hudson got A* grades in maths and physics and an A in English literature but shamed his college and family with the B grade which condemns him to a lifetime of scorn and ridicule from everyone he meets.

He said: “My parents have been in touch. They’ve told me not to come home because I am no longer their son. I understand.

“I’ve already abandoned my hopes and dreams and retired myself to a life of misery and mindless toil. And all because I got a B which secures my place at the University of Warwick.

“Even if I get a first-class degree, future employers will take one look at my A-level results, scrunch up my CV, and chuck it in the bin while howling with laughter. And they’ll be right to do so.

“My only hope is to claim I’m 21, that I achieved a B in 2018 when it was perfectly respectable to to do then served three years in prison for manslaughter. Nobody will judge me for that.”

Former girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris said: “They should brand the B on his forehead so he can never re-enter society. The thick twat.”

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Fruit not a f**king dessert

A COMPREHENSIVE survey of people who eat has concluded that no matter what the healthy say, a piece of fruit is in no way a dessert. 

Persistent claims that substituting an orange for ice-cream or a slice of melon for cake is acceptable have been overturned by millions who have tried it once and declared it total bullshit.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Several scientific studies have warned of the dangers of refined sugar, and that eradicating this from the diet unlocks taste buds to the natural, delicious sweetness of fruit. These people are chatting pure shite.

“According to dietary science, fruit cannot be a treat. Fruit is the food group that you suffer through in order to enjoy the nice bits, like a Flake, a Twirl, a bag of Maltesers or all three.

“Granted, some fruits seem deceptively treat-like. To some even a mango can even feel indulgent. However, we urge these twats to seek out cookie dough ice cream, eat that, then see if they find any joy in a mango.

“If you yourself are struggling with thinking fruit is a f**king dessert, please speak to your doctor about being prescribed a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.”