Success mainly down to having a loud voice

HIGH earners are more likely to shout all the time, it has emerged.

Researchers found a direct correlation between a person’s salary and the number of decibels their voice is capable of reaching.

Business analyst Nathan Muir said: “Success and shouting are the same thing. It doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say it at sufficient volume.

“Perhaps we learn to equate loud with good by watching bands at massive corporate summer festivals.

“The important thing is that your rivals’ voices are inaudible, so everyone has to go with what you think.

“Men have a massive advantage in the workplace, because they have louder voices. As do people from public school, because those places are savvy enough to have shouting on the curriculum, shouting competitions and inter-school shout-offs.”

City trader Tom Logan said “I have a very loud voice!

“When I was at school, I wouldn’t shut up! Even though nothing I said made sense and I had to see lots of psychologists!”

“Now I have three massive houses! Just for going in an office!”

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All bosses are absolutely amazing, say experts

ANYONE who runs a large business or organisation is obviously incredible, experts have confirmed.

As it emerged that even the head of the Open University gets £400,000 a year, researchers said it was because bosses are so much better than they used to be.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: “If you go back 30 years there wasn’t such a massive disparity in pay levels because all the bosses were utter morons who hadn’t even been on a media training day.

“For example, whoever was running the Royal Bank of Scotland in the early 1980s was obviously shit at it. Which is why it went bankrupt and caused a massive recession in 1989.

“Or maybe it didn’t, I’ve really no idea.”

Professor Brubaker, who is paid £550,000 a year, added: “I know from my own experience that I’m fantastic. The Institute’s board members are all talented and experienced enough to agree with me, which is why they get paid fifty grand a year for one day a week.

“And I know for a fact that the Studying Institute would snap me up in a second, because those board members get fifty grand too.

“We’re all just so amazing.”