FREAK-wrangler Simon Cowell has urged people across Britain not to worry about Susan Boyle, insisting everything was going according to plan.
Boyle was admitted to the Priory Clinic in London last night after swearing loudly while running down the corridor in a five-star hotel, in what Cowell said would make a really exciting bit in the film.
Showbiz insiders said the church volunteer with the voice of a reasonably good singer suffered an exquisitely-timed emotional breakdown after losing in the final of Britain Must be Stopped.
The surprise winners were inexplicable dance group National Embarrassment, who can now look forward to two days of fantastic press coverage, followed by one day of savage lies about their private lies, followed by absolutely nothing at all.
Viewer Emma Bradford said: "I voted for National Embarrassment because I felt it was incredibly important to teach Susan Boyle a really harsh lesson about fame.
"But now I feel guilty and I just hope she recovers very soon and gets back to doing what she does best so I can teach her another harsh lesson, the stuck-up bitch."
She added: "Poor, sweet, lovely Susan. I'm so fucking sick of her."
Experts insist that, if she does not go completely insane, Boyle could earn up to £5 million over the next three years for Simon Cowell.
But insiders warned the singer could become locked in a vicious cycle of emotional breakdowns amid showbiz fears she would be unable to cope with being famous enough to be admitted to the Priory.
Meanwhile, as Boyle checked into the clinic, Cowell pushed a miniature version of her across the board and positioned OK! magazine and a Living TV special on her left and right flanks before smiling, nodding and rubbing himself.
Tom Logan, one of the 12 people in Britain who did not watch the show, said: "I'm going to buy a large map of the world, pin it to the wall, shut my eyes and throw a dart at it – and that will be my new home."