Swifties, and other fanbases that are certifiably f**king mental

DO you love Taylor Swift so much you send death threats to people who give her new album a vaguely unfavourable review? You are mad. Like these other obsessives:


Are you an uneducated philistine who has the temerity to consider for even a moment that Taylor Swift may not be the pinnacle of 300,000 years of human culture, and perhaps even God herself? Then watch your back, because the Swifties will find out, and they will come for you. What’s it like having your spleen removed via your arsehole because you think Tortured Poets Department is a stupid title for an album by a billionaire? You’ll know soon enough.


Most Doctor Who fans accept he is a Gallifreyan who can regenerate into pretty much any humanoid form. They’re not overly fussed about what so long as they can swap pointless fan theories about Missy being the Rani and the monsters aren’t made of cardboard and bubble wrap anymore. But there are some who feel ‘any humanoid form’ does not include women and black people. For them, woke has ruined Doctor Who and their precious childhood memories of watching shonky aliens plod endlessly up and down the same bit of corridor.


Is there anything worse than an apparently fully functioning adult who wants to tell you which Harry Potter house they are in? No. Anyone over the age of 15 who is happy to state out loud that they are a Hufflepuff, a Gryffindor, or whatever other bullshit nonsense it is they can choose from, deserves to be sidelined from society until they have grown the f**k up and read some better books. You know, ones where you don’t solve life’s problems with a magic spell.

Andrew Tate bellends

Bellends who love Tate because he has a lot of shiny vroom-vrooms and hates women do not have an official name, so this will have to do. What’s gone wrong with their brains to make them slavishly agree with every word uttered by an alleged rapist and human trafficker? Plus the ‘Top G’ would probably call you ‘gay’ for your pathetic man-crush. But above all, is Tate, with his naff shades and shiny little head, in any way someone you’d want to emulate? He looks like a talking peanut created for a KP advert.

Star Wars fans

This lot were bad enough when there were just three films to obsess over, but now there are hundreds of spin-offs in multiple formats for them to be weirdos about. Some like to spend their time calling other fans retards over minor points of Star Wars lore, others won’t stop whinging about women and people of colour in an alternate universe populated by Jedis, Yodas, Wookies and Siths. We get that Disney is a bit too keen on wokeness, but is there any need to say things like ‘Star Wars raped my childhood’?

England football fans

England never win the final, so devoted fans are frequently seen as charmingly loyal and optimistic losers. Then there’s the other type of fan who sees the beautiful game more in terms of getting tanked up and attempting to maim police officers and rival supporters. The image of England fans that springs to many people’s minds now is that bloke with a flare up his arse, which basically tells you all you need to know about these wankers. Although risking 1600 degree burns to your rectum definitely puts you in the category of ‘superfan’.

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Labour confirms they will do the bleeding obvious

LABOUR’S rail nationalisation plans have confirmed they are a party unafraid to do the entirely obvious thing if they feel it benefits Britain.

The plan to stand back, do nothing and let every terrible, failing rail franchise in the country revert to state ownership sets a worrying precedent of common-sense decisions that will pay off.

Westminster journalist Sue Traherne said: “It begins with nationalising rail. It could end with nurses being paid a living wage. That’s what we’re facing.

“It’s easy to say ‘stop dumping sewage in the sea’ or ‘build more windfarms’ or ‘why have we privatised all our schools?’ Easy and populist. You know who else was a populist? Donald Trump and Hitler.

“Yes, all these policies will certainly work, but is that a reason to pursue them? Where’s the role for the private sector seeking a huge profit from public services? Where’s the opportunity to load our utilities with billions in debt then sell them on? I’m not seeing one.

“With this, Labour have exposed themselves as unimaginative in-the-box thinkers. Do we want to return to the dark days of British Rail where tedious trains ran predictably on time but paying £8.20 for a chicken chipotle wrap on board was impossible?”

Sir Keir Starmer said: “I am a boring man with boring ideas like taking rail franchises off companies that cannot run them. I apologise.”