TEACHERS should be entitled to a 10% pay rise when the children they teach become 10% less moronic and unbearable, according to a new survey.
As the National Union of Teachers demanded an inflation-busting pay increase while thousands lose their jobs and the country is eyebrow-deep in debt, 100% of those surveyed said: "What the fuck did you just ask me?"
Emma Bradford, an unemployed shop worker from Stevenage, said: "Did you just say that teachers want a 10% pay rise? Is that what you fucking said?
"I've just spent two hours queuing at the job centre to talk to someone who doesn't care if I live or die and you're asking me if teachers should get a 10% pay rise, a four day week and more holidays. You know what? I'll have to think about that."
She added: "Oh look, I've thought about it and NO, THEY FUCKING SHOULDN'T."
Bill McKay, an unemployed personnel manager from Darlington, said: "You can have a 10% pay rise when your schools stop churning out a seemingly endless supply of rude, lazy, violent, stupid, little SHITS.
"And as for holidays, you can get five weeks the same as everyone else, even if that means sitting in an empty classroom all day and staring out the FUCKING WINDOW."
He added: "Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to have to nip home, grab a three-iron from my golf bag and spend some quality time in the teachers' car park at my local high school."