Teenage boys 'reduced to ogling shower pictures in catalogues'

A BAN on internet pornography could force teenagers to seek out nipples in the bathroom sections of retail catalogues.

As the Prime Minister announced parent-controlled web porn filters – and with porno magazines increasingly scarce – many teenagers fear a ‘new dark age’ for masturbation.

14 year-old Tom Booker said: “I vow to continue wanking. But how?

“With print media on its knees all the porno mags could have folded by February.

“My family doesn’t get tabloid newspapers so the only option is the Argos catalogue, you can see some nip on page 435, bottom right panel.

“God this is going to be humiliating.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The prevalence of internet porn has caused a paucity of sexual material in other media. For example, you don’t get erotic thrillers on Channel 5 any more.

“Basically the whole masturbatory infrastructure has disappeared. Instead of a ban we need a ‘phasing-out’ of internet porn, with Youporn content being gradually diluted to the level of 70s-style ‘Confession of a…’ movies.

“Otherwise a lot of young men could physically burst.”



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Get some concealer on that red nose

Dear Holly,

Even though Christmas is nearly here, I am thoroughly miserable: all my colleagues laugh at me and call me names due to my unfortunate appearance. They are so cruel, and I feel so isolated when they refuse to let me join in stuff. Can you help?



Dear Rudolph,

You probably think you’re a victim of jealousy, like Nicole Scherzinger or Nadine from Girls Aloud. Your mum probably told you a load of empowering stuff like how you should be proud of your bulbous head or your protruding teeth or your Asda trainers. Well, here’s some news – the others laugh at you because you look like a bell-end and the sooner you get some concealer on that red nose of yours, the less likely you are to lose your PE kit in a tree and have someone graffiti the words ‘fanny-balls’ on your rubbish lunch box.

Hope that helps!