Teenage Girl 'Obviously Having Affair With Bat'

A TEENAGE girl who claimed she found a bat in her 34FF bra is actually having an affair with the flying mammal, friends revealed last night. 

Abbie Hawkins, 19, insisted that she had taken off her bra to remove the bat when the pair were discovered half-naked in a cupboard.

However, friends said she had been going out with the young male for a month and that the pair could not keep their hands off each other.

One friend said: "She says that because he's blind it means he really likes her for who she is, but we think he's just using her for sex.

"He hasn't got a job. He just hangs upside down all day and then uses sonar to fly in and out of caves."

The friend added: "It was her birthday last week and all he bought her was a moth."

It has also emerged that Hawkins has a history of romantic involvement with indigenous British mammals after running away with a ferret she met on the internet.

The pair were eventually arrested at a Blackpool hotel while trying to hide a box of stolen eggs.

Hawkins told the police she had found the elongated carnivore in her knickers that morning.

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'Nazi Toddlers Ruined My Birthday'

A THREE year-old boy last night revealed how a gang of extreme right wing toddlers ruined his birthday party with violence and racial taunts.

A tearful Jack Logan, from Maidstone, said the party was going well until the arrival of the tiny, swastika-clad racists.

He said: "They came in and kicked my friend Sam and said he looked like a Yid.

"They said he was in charge of all the banks in the world and he was a parasite and then they knocked over his juice.

"And then they chased my friend Asif round and round the garden for ages and told him to go back to Pakiland and eat poo. Then we watched Pingu and had a nap."

Jack added: "When they woke up they built a great big fire in the garden and threw all my books on it.

"They said the Very Hungry Caterpillar was part of the international Zionist conspiracy."

Jack's mother, Alice, said: "The Nazi toddlers have ruined so many birthdays round here.

"The last family that stood up to them had their house covered in the most obscene, badly written graffiti.

"They wrote 'Jew-lovers' all over the front door, but they spelt it J-O-O. It was actually quite cute."