Teenage Lives Complete As Grand Theft Auto Fills Gap Between Bouts Of Frenzied Masturbation

TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.

Grand Theft Auto IV has been hailed by critics and senior educationalists as the only video game that can keep a 14 year-old boy sufficiently stimulated between visits to the bathroom.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We had high hopes for Call of Duty, but too many boys were still finding time for outdoor activities such as cricket, football, and knife fights."

He added: "As most of our key economic functions are now performed by young women in foreign call centres, educating teenage boys is no longer such a high priority.

"But we must introduce some form of stimulation in order to contain swearing and tutting, and reverse the alarming increase in general hanging about.

"The combination of GTA IV and committed, high-frequency masturbation should keep them in a state of equilibrium until we can train them up and ship them to Afghanistan."

Denys Hatton, head teacher at St Alfred's Middle School in Chertsey, said: "My life is certainly easier thanks to Grand Theft Auto and row upon row of toilet cubicles, but we do like to keep the two things seperate.

"If one of our 13 year-olds thinks about GTA while masturbating, it's off to the nurse."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees

GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.

According to the knees, the pair will announce a split within days with Paltrow blaming Martin’s unreasonably high voice and his inability to grow a proper man’s beard.

The actress and her knees have been inseparable in recent weeks with the highly visible leg joints accompanying her to premieres of her new film Iron Man while husband Chris was nowhere to be seen.

One friend said: "He's never liked her knees. Especially after they told her to steer clear of him 'cause he's a donkey-faced bedwetter who yodels like an Austrian pervert.

"But she loves them. It was her knees that got her back on her feet after her split with Brad."

Nikki Hollis, a celebrity marriage analyser, said high hemlines and bare knees were often the first outward sign that a star couple’s relationship was on the rocks.

She said: "For years you would not have known she had knees, it’s been long dresses or those horrible three-quarter combats that make you look like a deformed dwarf.

"Suddenly she’s out every night dressed as a stripper while he’s at home growing muesli in his bum fluff and looking like a smelly tramp.

"People used to think it was all made-up about Charles and Diana, but go and look at that photograph from the Taj Mahal and tell me what you see: knees."