TEENAGE boys across Britain are celebrating after discovering a successful method of marking time between energetic masturbation sessions.
Grand Theft Auto IV has been hailed by critics and senior educationalists as the only video game that can keep a 14 year-old boy sufficiently stimulated between visits to the bathroom.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We had high hopes for Call of Duty, but too many boys were still finding time for outdoor activities such as cricket, football, and knife fights."
He added: "As most of our key economic functions are now performed by young women in foreign call centres, educating teenage boys is no longer such a high priority.
"But we must introduce some form of stimulation in order to contain swearing and tutting, and reverse the alarming increase in general hanging about.
"The combination of GTA IV and committed, high-frequency masturbation should keep them in a state of equilibrium until we can train them up and ship them to Afghanistan."
Denys Hatton, head teacher at St Alfred's Middle School in Chertsey, said: "My life is certainly easier thanks to Grand Theft Auto and row upon row of toilet cubicles, but we do like to keep the two things seperate.
"If one of our 13 year-olds thinks about GTA while masturbating, it's off to the nurse."