Teenage Yobs Carrying Flick-Toddlers

TEENAGE yobs have developed a deadly 'flick-toddler' in a bid to avoid prosecution, police warned last night.

The lethal infants, too young to be prosecuted, can be carried in jacket pockets and are regularly used in gang fights.

The trend started in 2003, when a Streatham gang called 'Fuk-U-Honkee' made a shish-kebab out of four of their rivals after hurling a toddler wearing a souped-up Kaiser helmet.

This year saw the introduction of the fully-portable hunting infant, which can carry eight blades, a compass and an attachment for removing hoodies from the hooves of a police horse.

The flick-toddler is bred following trysts in Burger King car parks and is raised on a diet of Sunny Delight and an aggressively misguided sense of unjustified entitlement.

Aged four they are used only in minor disputes over turf rights as their underdeveloped biceps are unable to wield a machete for more than two or three minutes.

According to the police, by the age of nine they are carrying so many blades they look like titanium hedgehogs.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: "Once the youths reach the criminal age of responsibility, gangs dump them in waste ground and industrial estates. One orphanage in Deptford looks like a cross between Annie and Edward Scissorhands."

The Home Office has proposed a flick-toddler amnesty where the weapons would be handed into a police station before being melted down and turned into soap.

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Rats Desert Shit Government

A PROCESSION of Labour ministers and backbench MPs announced their resignations yesterday, like rats deserting an utterly shit government.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith was the biggest name to step down insisting she wanted to spend more time with those members of her family who were not obsessed with that really dirty Hungarian pornography that you have to order from illegal Dutch magazines.

On what was arguably one of Gordon Brown's better days as prime minister:

  • Close ally Tom Watson and children's minister Beverley Hughes resigned so they could spend more time not being associated with something that is now so unbelievably bad it actually makes you a little bit queasy.

  • Everyone except Ed Balls said that appointing Ed Balls as chancellor would be the single worst decision made by a human, including the time Glenn Hoddle said disabled people were being punished for their sins in previous lives.

  • Rumours swirled around Westminster of a plot to remove the PM from Number 10 and either install Alan Johnson or just leave it empty because at this stage it really wouldn't make the slightest difference to anything.

Labour's deputy leader Harriet Harman said the wheels had not come off the government but if they did she would attach it to the back end of an old, seaside donkey and drag it through the dirt for another 12 months.

Meanwhile a Labour spokesman insisted Gordon Brown's government was not the worst ever, adding that if you gave him three or four days he could almost certainly come up with a concrete example.

He said: "I'm pretty sure there was a government in Chad in the mid-1970s where all the ministers were made of dung and the country was run by moths."