Teenager has devastating realisation she will one day be middle-aged prick

A TEENAGE girl is reeling from the bombshell that she will get old and become an arsehole just like her parents. 

15-year-old Lucy Parry, who is painfully aware that every previous generation has been a bunch of dickheads and only she and her peers can save the world, came to the realisation while telling her younger brothers to pick up their trainers.

She said: “I tripped up over their f**king Nike Air and screamed at them to get off f**king Fortnite and put them on the shoe rack now, then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was chilling.

“I ran upstairs, leaving all the lights on and putting a mug down without a coaster, but even that couldn’t shake this feeling that something had shifted. That somewhere within me was the boring old twat I would inevitably become.

“No matter how loud I blasted Lil Nas X or how many wet towels I left on the floor, I was haunted by thoughts like ‘nobody respects order in this house’ or ‘who has to tidy it up? Bloody muggins here’.

“What’s next – choosing clothes for practical purposes? Getting excited by nifty storage solutions? Saying ‘I’m sure Corbyn’s marvellous, but if interest rates go up we’ll lose the house’?

“When my dad would say ‘you’ll be our age one day you know’, I thought it was some sort of sick joke. Now I’m not so sure.”

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How to buy a present for your loved one that's actually for you

BUYING a present for your other half when you’d prefer to spend the money on yourself? Here’s how to give a gift you’ll later receive: 

Keep it communal

If you stick to buying your partner gifts for communal areas of the home, they’re yours without them ever realising. A stylish new kettle, a coat rack in the shape of a tree, a cocker spaniel puppy – all theoretically for you both, but chosen by you, for you, under cover of being thoughtful.

Sandwich it

Confuse your partner by sandwiching a big gift that’s clearly for you between two tiny gifts you know they’ll really get excited about. If you present them with a giant Chupa Chup and a thoughtfully-chosen book either side, they’ll be too distracted to stop and think ‘wait, an expresso machine? But I don’t drink coffee’.

Plant the seed

Gaslighting takes time and planning, so start a few weeks in advance with gentle reminders about how much they’ve always adored whatever you covet. Comments like ‘remember how much you love novelty table mats?’ or ‘stop banging on about how much you want a 75-inch Ultra HD TV’ repeated five times a day will do the work for you.

Something to do together

Yes, you’re a massive Foo Fighters fan and they’re not really bothered, but these tickets to see them in Birmingham are a romantic gesture so of course they’re pleased. And it’s not until June, so plenty of time for them to admit they don’t want to go so you can sell their ticket to your mate Tim.

Be patient

At first, you may have to pretend the gift is theirs. That bedside light might sit on your partner’s side of the bed for weeks or even months before you suggest a swap. But bide your time, waiting and watching, and it will return to its true owner.