Teenager stops hating parents for long enough to ask them for money

A TEENAGER has reluctantly ceased loathing his parents for long enough to demand they buy him something.

Fourteen-year-old Oliver O’Connor has called a temporary truce in his ongoing war with his mum and dad for the precise length of time it takes to supply credit card details so he can buy gig tickets.

He said: “The cessation of hostilities is regrettable but unavoidable. Summer is approaching and new festival tickets are released this week.

“So I’ve come to the realisation that mum and dad aren’t that bad really, when they pay for things I actually need instead of dumb shit that doesn’t matter like food, heating or transport.

“First I’ll be nice to them for a whole meal. Then I’ll offer to make them a cup of tea and watch one of their smug dickhead shows like QI. Then, when they’re reeling from my kindness, I’ll ask for £85 and even say please.

“They’ll be so grateful to be treated like humans they’ll gladly fork it over. I’ll feign gratitude until the tickets are secured, after which I’ll tell both of them to f**k off for ruining my life.”

Mother Kelly said: “Obviously we can see right through him. It’s like negotiating with an acne-ridden terrorist. But if it gets us an evening of peace we’ll happily pay.”

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Five signs a woman is waiting for you to lean in and kiss her, unless it's the exact opposite

ON a date with a woman? Not sure if you should go in for a kiss? Look out for these signs which may or may not be an invitation.

She bats her eyelashes

A sultry flutter of a woman’s eyelids can mean one of two things. Either she wants to make lip-to-lip contact with your face, or a piece of grit has flown into her eye and she doesn’t want to rub it for fear of smudging her makeup. You can risk your luck by leaning in, or you can spoil your chances by asking her if she’s feeling alright. Your call.

She touches your arm

Has a woman initiated physical contact by touching your arm? You could be in there. Or she could be trying to move you out of the way because you’re standing in front of the bar. Be sure to read your surroundings, but if you’re sitting across from her at a candlelit dinner you should be okay. Or she might be brushing some lint from your jumper. Who knows?

She makes intense eye contact

If you’ve found yourself locking eyes with the woman you’re dating, this could be her subtle hint that she wants you to kiss her. Women are mysterious creatures though, so she might just be politely looking at you while you talk about yourself. Behind her rapt expression could be a brain wearily wishing you’d shut the f**k up.

She bites her lip

A sign of yearning lust for your tender kiss, surely? Not so fast. Maybe she’s just trying to scratch her bottom lip? Or perhaps this is a coded signal you’re not aware of that means ‘I am repulsed by you’? Assume the latter for everyone’s well-being then run home in tears.

She says ‘Shut up and kiss me’

Tired of waiting and overcome with desire, the woman has now pinned you against the wall and demanded you kiss her. Let’s pause for a second. Why on earth would a woman want to kiss you? You aren’t rich and you don’t work out. She probably wants to mug you while you make out, so duck under her arms and get out of there. Better luck next time, sweetheart.