A TEENAGER has reluctantly ceased loathing his parents for long enough to demand they buy him something.
Fourteen-year-old Oliver O’Connor has called a temporary truce in his ongoing war with his mum and dad for the precise length of time it takes to supply credit card details so he can buy gig tickets.
He said: “The cessation of hostilities is regrettable but unavoidable. Summer is approaching and new festival tickets are released this week.
“So I’ve come to the realisation that mum and dad aren’t that bad really, when they pay for things I actually need instead of dumb shit that doesn’t matter like food, heating or transport.
“First I’ll be nice to them for a whole meal. Then I’ll offer to make them a cup of tea and watch one of their smug dickhead shows like QI. Then, when they’re reeling from my kindness, I’ll ask for £85 and even say please.
“They’ll be so grateful to be treated like humans they’ll gladly fork it over. I’ll feign gratitude until the tickets are secured, after which I’ll tell both of them to f**k off for ruining my life.”
Mother Kelly said: “Obviously we can see right through him. It’s like negotiating with an acne-ridden terrorist. But if it gets us an evening of peace we’ll happily pay.”