Television binge plans ruined by good weather

MILLIONS of Britons were left unable to view their favourite American TV dramas due to fine weather over the bank holiday weekend.

An estimated quarter of the population had set aside three days for the binge consumption of high quality scripted entertainment.

But clear skies and mid-twenties temperatures forced them to undertake family outings and futile social engagements.

Landscape gardener Tom Booker said: “I was hopeful of watching Sons of Anarchy in its entirety, pausing only to perform essential bodily functions.

“The forecast was positive, with a heavy emphasis on wind and rain that would have made travelling to a coastal destination with my family unviable.

“Then the skies cleared. What’s up with this bloody country?”

Pressure is now building on David Cameron to declare a public holiday to allow the people of the UK to get their Sky+ under control.

Nikki Hollis of Southampton said: “I recently acquired the box set of Fringe. The excellence of the series is such that without extra time off I’ll be forced to stay up until 2am every night this week and be knackered at work.

“I’m an air traffic controller, so you don’t want that.”

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “The shows themselves might be American, but the stars are all British because Yanks derive a cruel amusement from watching Shakespearean actors say bullshit dialogue in OTT accents. That makes them vital to the UK economy.

“And if people can’t immerse themselves in TV drama, they’ll give up on them and, who knows, might accidentally catch the news. That would be a massive vote-loser for the Conservatives.”

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Creepy men empowered by Miley Cyrus

SLEAZY middle-aged men have hailed Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance for boosting their self-confidence.

Creepiness campaigners hailed Cyrus rubbing her genitals against Robin Thicke’s ageing crotch as a pivotal moment.

46-year-old sex pest Tom Logan said: “When I deliberately press myself up against young women in crowded pubs, they tend to act disgusted.

“I always knew they wanted it really.

“They’re all whores, except my mum and my nan.”

Company director Roy Hobbs agreed: “I was actually beaten up once for hanging round outside a sixth form disco offering girls cigarettes.

“People need to realise creepy men have feelings too, sexual feelings towards younger women.

“Who may say they aren’t interested but isn’t the phrase ‘leave me alone’ just another example of a blurred line?

“I mean it sounds a bit like ‘lead me away’.”

Meanwhile MTV bosses have promised to keep their channel’s viewers in a state of confused arousal.

A spokesman said: “You want breasts and vaginas combined with random surrealistic imagery such as giant dancing bears and masks with cheese leaking out of them.

“We promise to keep you randy and bewildered.”