Telling that kid to shut the f**k up will pay dividends, everyone secretly thinking

A CHILD in a supermarket would be happier and more successful in later life if they were told to shut the fuck up and behave, shoppers believe.

Five-year-old Tom Logan’s screaming and running around left many feeling he needed stricter parenting along the lines of a blazing adult row or pre-fight argument in a pub.

Shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I love children but his mum needed to get right up in his face and shout ‘FUCKING BEHAVE, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!’ until he cried.

“If he doesn’t learn normal behaviour he’ll fail at school and end up on the dole with eight kids and a drooling bullmastiff. All for the sake of a simple ‘Shut your fucking mouth!’.

“You could tell other customers were thinking the same thing, but of course you can’t say anything. It’s so sad to see kids not getting the swearing they need.”

Teacher Nathan Muir said: “That little boy is going to have self-control issues in later life. It’s a short step from filling the trolley with boxes of chocolate cereal to burying bodies in your basement.”

Logan’s mum Sophie said: “I’m pretty strict with Tom. Today I told him to stop firing things into people’s gardens with his catapult, or there’ll be no more gerbils this month.”

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May demands TV debate so she can repeat same six panicked phrases

THE prime minister has demanded a TV Brexit debate so she can repeat the same six meaningless platitudes while visibly panicked.

May will go head-to-head with Jeremy Corbyn in order to display how deeply uncomfortable she is with all forms of human interaction.

A Downing Street source said: “We feel the public stopped listening to Theresa saying the same six things in blank response some time ago, so they might not have noticed that one of them has changed.

“A TV debate, which she will begin with a fixed grimace swiftly supplanted by rising dread, will let her say all the usuals and her new claim that Labour should put politics aside and back her Brexit for the good of the Tory party.

“By 45 minutes in she’ll just be stuttering ‘I’ve been very clear,’ without ever clarifying what she’s been clear about and shouting ‘You’re from Venezuela!’ at Corbyn, who’ll take it as a compliment.

“It’s a bold and brilliant plan. But what else would you expect from the unerring instincts of Theresa May?”

Corbyn said: “If I just explain communism to everyone properly they’ll love it.”