Third circle of hell booked for office Christmas party

THE office Christmas party has been booked for the third circle of hell this year, Marie from accounts has announced. 

The all-office email says that most Earthly venues were booked up or asking ridiculous amounts, but that the underworld offered a sit-down meal and disco afterwards on just the right date for a very reasonable price.

The email continued: “I’ve never been before but it’s got some very famous patrons (Judas, Hitler, Satan himself!) and they’ve got vegetarian options which are apparently important to some people.

“All the food’s flame-grilled on the eternal burning souls of the damned – sounds delicious! – and there’s a Michael Jackson impersonator then Saturday Night Fever 70s disco. Let’s all have a great time!!!”

Colleague Martin Bishop said: “I mean at least we know it’s in hell. Like the whole ‘abandon hope’ thing’s literally on the door as you go in.

“And apparently there’s a great strip club right next door in the second circle with Helen of Troy and Cleopatra and Mata Hari, so it saves on an Uber.”

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Is fourteen cups of coffee a day too many?

EVERYONE likes a cup of coffee in the morning, and then a further 13 or so at 45-minute intervals throughout the day to quell the shakes, but how many is too many? Take our test…

How many coffees do you have on an average morning?

A) One at home, then maybe another at 11am. Keeps the motor running!
B) I’ve usually had one I don’t clearly remember at 4am, then a strong one when I get up, another before I leave the house, a double-shotter from Costa on the way in, one when I arrive, another, then another, then another, then one with lunch.

Do you own any coffee-themed clothing or merchandise? 

A) I think there’s a ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!’ sign somewhere on my desk, buried in paper.
B) Just a few T-shirts, all my mugs, my ‘Too Much Coffee Man’ figure on the monitor, my coffee paperweight and the bean tattoo on my left arm. So no more than average.

What name do Starbucks write on your cup? 

A) God, they always get it wrong, don’t they? It’s hilarious!
B) My name. My full name. In seven branches, none of them need to ask.

Have you ever drank so much coffee in a day that you’ve lost control of your bowels? 

A) No. Can that happen? Ew.
B) I visit the toilet every 45 minutes. That’s normal.


Mostly As – You’re drinking a manageable amount of coffee and inflicting a manageable amount of coffee-based humour on others.

Mostly Bs – Caffine is a drug. You’re a hopeless addict. But society sanctions it, so carry on.