The arsehole parent's back-to-school guide

ARE you a bloodyminded parent who loves a good row with your local school? Make the most of your little ones going back with these tips: 

Be furious about masks, either way

Is the school banning masks? They’re risking your precious ones’ lives. Are they enforcing masks? They’re trying to muzzle your Jordan like he’s a mad dog. Although given his tendency to bite other children that is justifiable.

Be in a constant state of high alert

Get Callum or Adele to text immediately if another child coughs, and be at that school’s gates faster than an anti-terrorist squad. Snatch your progeny from the danger zone then sit them in a Wetherspoons with a 3,000 per cent higher chance of infection while you yap on your phone about your excellent parenting.

Demand impossibly high standards

Is your local school unable to give every child a hazmat suit and keep them 50m apart? They may as well be giving them hand grenades to play with. Interrogate your kids daily for heinous lapses of judgement such as not boiling the felt tips after they’ve been used.

Take a hard line on handwashing

Schools will encourage more handwashing. Tell your children they don’t have to do it. If you don’t feel that’s undermining teachers enough, turn up in person and threaten to smash their f**king faces in. It just shows how much you love your kids.

Contact the local paper

If you have a genuine issue with the school’s anti-infection measures, never discuss it rationally with a sympathetic teacher. Local newspapers love dickheads like you, and you’ll soon be on the front page with the headline ‘TOT MADE TO SIT ON COVID CHAIR’, doing your aggrieved face.

Form a mob

Meet other like-minded parents by claiming the teachers, dinner persons and school hamster are all infected. Gather outside the school chanting and set a bin on fire. You’re just trying to do the right thing for the kiddies.

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IKEA assembly instructions show you exactly where and how to completely lose your shit

FLAT-PACK assembly instructions from IKEA now come with pictures demonstrating how to smash them up in a blind rage.

New booklets from the Swedish retailer demonstrate when to put your fist through a wardrobe door, how to use an Allen key to remove the skin from two knuckles, and conclude with a cartoon man sitting among a pile of broken shelving.

CEO Per Larsson said: “We have listened to our customers’ howls of frustration and despair and thought we’d make the process easier with twee, condescending illustrations.

“At the point at which you’re meant to get the triangular rubber pegs in the metal bit, which is impossible, we show you how to grasp the final shelf and use it to batter the whole flimsy edifice into pieces.

“There’s a list of Swedish swearwords to bellow at the top of your lungs – ‘din jälva idiot’ is my favourite – and it shows the stress points to really hammer on so there’s no hope of repairing it.”

Customer Tom Booker said: “Credit where it’s due, they’ve done a solid job. If all the other instructions were this clear these wouldn’t be necessary.”