Are you a Last Night of the Proms wanker?

ARE you livid that the Last Night of the Proms won’t sing Land of Hope and Glory? Has an instrumental Rule Britannia driven you into a fervour of vengeful patriotism? Find out: 

What is your favourite genre of music?

A) Indie, guitar pop or mellow dance.
B) Anything about the Royal Navy dominating the high seas and blowing the f**k out of our real enemies, the French, Spanish and Huns.

When you go to a gig, what do you take with you?

A) A band T-shirt, maybe some pills?
B) A wicker hamper containing champagne, pâte and a selection of cheeses, an enormous telescopic flagpole and a 16ft flag.

What do you enjoy most about live music?

A) The spontaneity and energy you just don’t get with studio recordings.
B) Waving a massive Union Jack in a sea of Union Jacks as if you’re at a victory parade for the Napoleonic Wars.

What, in your opinion, makes a classic song?

A) A strong melody and thought-provoking lyrics.
B) A plodding dirge with lyrics about how great Britain is with frequent references to how God definitely approves of colonising Africa.

What is the biggest threat to live music?

A) Coronavirus forcing venues to shut down.
B) Political correctness gone mad so you can’t enjoy a harmless ditty celebrating sinking Bosch dreadnoughts and mowing down Thuggees with a Maxim gun.


Mostly As: You are a hopelessly unpatriotic music lover. At least wear a plastic Union Jack bowler hat next time you’re listening to the Libertines, for God’s sake.

Mostly Bs: You are definitely a Proms wanker. Take your mind off pinkos ruining their majesty by turning up your hi-fi and having a listen to the 633 Squadron theme again.

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Date-night films to ignore while you and your partner look at your phones

TAKING an evening for romance? Unable to focus on a single screen? These romantic films are perfect to half-watch with your equally uninterested partner: 


One of the greatest films of all time isn’t captivating enough to keep you from checking your notifications every thirty seconds. Enjoy looking up when it finishes to realise you’ve missed the whole ‘hill of beans’ speech.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

A film about a hopeless spinster who fails at everything should alleviate the pressure to have a perfect romantic evening and her one-bed central London flat should have you back on Rightmove before ten minutes is up.

The Notebook

A weepy about a couple kept apart by a judgemental society, made all the more poignant when watched by two people kept apart by their inability to stop looking at their phones.

Dirty Dancing

Essentially a soundtrack with some scripted bridging sequences, so if you look up every time there’s a music on you’ll be fine.


A 90s blockbuster that broke box office records, but won’t distract you from some rando’s Instagram story. ‘Draw me like one of your French girls’, iceberg, some business with a floating door, yeah yeah.

When Harry Met Sally

A classic so comfortingly predictable that you’ll be able to fill in the gaps. Stick it on, cuddle up and embrace the idea that men and women can never really watch a 96-minute film together.