The bellend’s guide to nights out

EVERYONE loves pubbing and clubbing at the weekend, but are you doing it in a way that causes maximum aggravation for fellow revellers? Follow our guide.

Make a song and fucking dance of getting a few drinks in

Don’t just ask your friends, “What would everyone like to drink?” Instead stand by the bar and holler at your table: “Gary! GARY! OI! GARY! GARY! STELLA? OI! YER WOT? GARY! STELLA? RIGHT MATE. OI! WHAT DOES NEIL WANT? I SAID -”

Be a Poundland Begbie in nightclubs

Instigate weird confrontations, for example by informing a group of strangers that a drink has gone missing from your table. When challenged in the slightest way, magnanimously declare “You’re alright, mate” and scuttle off, just leaving everyone confused.

Be totally anal about stools

In a nutshell: “I asked you if that stool was taken and you said your friend was coming but she hasn’t come and that was 25 minutes ago and if she’s not coming I think we should be allowed to have the stool because there are eight of us and…”

Racially abuse people serving you nice food

There’s no better way to show your appreciation for delicious, affordable food like kebabs than telling the friendly people who made them they should go back to their own country.

Stick to busy bars like a limpet

In busy pubs, sit or stand by the bar with your mates and make it as difficult as possible for other people to get served. Hold your positions with the tenacity of the Red Army in Stalingrad. If someone does manage to squeeze past you, look at them as if they are being a prick for wanting to buy drinks in a pub.

Remember cab queues don’t exist

At taxi ranks, just pile into any cab you see. Those 30 people standing nearby in a queue-like line are probably just enjoying looking at the night sky.

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Friday booked off by devious little shits

PEOPLE who booked Friday off work are cackling like maniacs at the success of their scheme.

The devious, probably evil individuals submitted holiday forms months ago with the seemingly innocuous request of ‘the first Friday in May’ before anyone else had even thought of it.

Office administrator Jane Thomson said: “I don’t think my line manager even realised that Monday was a bank holiday.

“She was like, ‘doing something nice?’ I said I just wanted to clear out my garage and maybe take some stuff to the tip.

“Now I have four whole days stretching out in front of me. I could pretty much go to India if I wanted, or have a rites-of-passage adventure like in a Stephen King book.

“All those poor saps are toiling away. I am so much better than them.”

Thomson’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “We can’t help feeling betrayed on some level. She’s obviously not a person you can trust.

“In fact I hope she dies over the weekend.”