The bellend's guide to winning the Lottery

IF you win the Lottery it’s traditional to make a series of terrible life decisions and somehow end up skint. Follow our guide to squandering your fantastic opportunity.

Massively misjudge how much you’ve won

If you’ve won, say, £1.2 million, go on a spending spree as if you’re a billionaire. Buy your wife a Ferrari to sit outside your semi in Wigan, pay off all your kids’ mortgages and treat yourself to a Cessna. Then have a heart attack as you realise you’re £1.2 million overdrawn.

Get the obligatory unsuitable new partner

The ideal companion for an overweight 66-year-old British lottery winner is clearly a 20-year-old Latvian babe or charming Jamaican toyboy. They like going out clubbing with your money and you like staying in watching Emmerdale. It’s the perfect fit.

Spunk it on yob activities

If you’re from a rough estate and had shitty life chances, £5 million is a great opportunity to take your life in a new direction. Or just treat your mates to an endless coke party with quad bikes and prostitutes, then fall out because you didn’t buy them enough decks and gold chains.

Start a business you know nothing about

It’s good to have a dream, and your lottery winnings can make it come true. But not if it’s:

● Your adorable but terrible plan to make tiny North Face-style outdoor jackets for cats;

● Setting up your own brewery because you like beer;

● Building yachts. You’ve never owned a yacht or been on one, but it all looked pretty interesting on Howards’ Way.

Be a miserable git

Tell the press your lottery win “won’t change you”, then stick to it to an absurd degree. Keep your minimum wage job at the fish finger factory, refuse to help your family when they’re in genuine need, then die a lonely death, leaving your £8.3 million to the local ferret sanctuary.


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'Project Fear' vindicated as Brexit leads to return of Ann Widdecombe

FRESH concerns have been raised over Brexit after it caused the return of Ann Widdecombe.

The former Home Office minister is standing for the Brexit Party in the European elections, confirming predictions that were previously dismissed as ‘Project Fear’.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When David Cameron outlined his plans for the EU referendum in 2015, I immediately said ‘I warn you now, this will bring back Ann Widdecombe – and we will deserve it’.

“That quivering, high-pitched voice that sounds like a hoax recording of a medieval ghost, spouting the sort of insane shit that even some Brexiters find unsettling.

“Do not watch television or listen to the radio for the next month unless you actively want to rip your own head off.

“Ann Widdecombe is why Strictly Come Dancing is evil.”