EVERY unimpressive mid-sized town has features its defensive residents believe make it stand out, and they’re always the same seven things:
The big Tesco
Your parents still recall the buzz after the announcement a Tesco Extra was on its way. They were there on day one, with all their neighbours, excitedly browsing the aisle of electrical goods. The thrill still hasn’t worn off. Nothing has ever been the same since they were able to buy a five-pack of underwear at 2am.
The bus station
If you want to get a bus anywhere within ten miles, you simply have to visit the new bus station, still called that because it was completed in 1995. And while you’re there, stop in on the neighbouring pay-and-display car park ingeniously made out of waste ground. This is why you pay your council tax.
The retail park
Whether a teenager going on a sophisticated Nando’s-and-Cineworld date, a parent looking at mattresses in Dreams, or a pensioner bedazzled by Dunelm, the retail park is your hometown’s Mecca. Although Mecca Bingo moved a mile out of town.
The building that used to be something else
A monument lost to time. For generations, people have been driving past where the tire factory used to be and saying ‘that used to be the tire factory’. Rumours electrifying neighbourhood Facebook groups suggest it might someday become flats.
The drive-thru McDonald’s
Looking for an authentic late night bite? Try out the drive-thru McDonald’s on the ring road. You can’t miss it, because it’s right opposite the drive-thru KFC. What happens between these locales will be the talk of the sixth-form on Monday.
The fancy park
All the other parks are basically fields with a path going through, but this one was donated by the local philanthropist who worked everyone to death in his tyre factory and it has a bandstand and a duck pond. Making it posh and worth a visit even if there was a recent stabbing.
The small hospital
Everyone you know was born there, and it’s where you took your mate when he got a concussion from running into the glass door of the kebab shop. The most impressive feature? It’s been in special measures for twenty years.
