The bin and other places to send your angry bullshit opinions about Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe

FURIOUS about how ‘ungrateful’ you think Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe is? Send your opinions to these relevant places.

The bin

The nation’s bins are home to apple cores, Big Mac containers and other pieces of disgusting detritus, meaning your unwarranted opinions about Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe should fit right in. If a litter bin isn’t to hand then pop your gammon brain ramblings into a dogshit bin. It works just as well if not better.

Back around your brain

The part of your brain which deals with empathy must have let this horrible opinion slip through by mistake, so send it back around for a second try. Is it still getting the green light? If so, go and see a psychiatrist who will declare you criminally insane. You will spend the rest of your life being wheeled around on a gurney like Hannibal Lecter, which at least will keep you off Twitter.

The sea

Vast, deep, and already home to f**ked-up shit like anglerfish, the sea is the perfect place to dispose of your thoughts on why a woman needlessly detained for six years should show the government the faintest flicker of gratitude. Your opinions will be at home among other waste like sewage and old uranium rods, and why not walk into the sea while you’re at it?

A tyre fire

As well as being a great day out for the family, tyre fires do an incredible job of incinerating things. Simply rock up with your warped worldview, tip the owner a tenner, and they should let you chuck it on the inferno. Stand nice and close to the blaze on the off chance that the noxious fumes will fix your thought processes.

Up your arse

Not metaphorically either. Grab a pen and paper, write down in detail all your idiotic opinions about an imprisoned charity worker, then roll them up tightly and shove them into your anus where they belong. Even Boris Johnson disagrees, so you must be bloody wrong.

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Man isn't worried about petrol prices as he only ever puts a tenner's worth in

AN idiot has told friends he is not concerned about petrol prices going up as he only ever puts a tenner’s worth in anyway.

Tom Logan believes he can beat fuel duty using this clever ploy, and is definitely getting one over on chancellor Rishi Sunak.

Logan said: “Only a total mug would spend £80 filling up their car, so I make sure I only put a few quid in. It’s easy to keep the amount low, so I don’t get what everyone is making such a fuss about.

“I’ve told my mates how easy it is to beat the system, and they just laugh at me. But the joke’s on them because I’m the one with all this extra cash in my pocket. I’m going to put it into Bitcoin. That’s another completely foolproof financial strategy.”

Friend Jack Browne said: “We’ve attempted to explain but Tom is such a f**kwit he just doesn’t get it. 

“He’ll probably take the same approach with food and gradually starve, but at least then he won’t be able to breed and spread the stupid genes.”