The man's manly guide to celebrating International Men's Day like a real man

THE day that men talk about on International Women’s Day is finally here. Here’s how to celebrate it like a man.

Think about going on a half-arsed parade

There’s a distinct lack of events on International Men’s Day, so maybe you should fix this by organising a parade which celebrates man things? Some ideas for themes: doing weights, drinking beer and fishing. Alternatively, you could just think about it – like you do with DIY – and stay slumped on the sofa watching TV instead. Nothing’s more manly than that.

Hide your emotions

A day which highlights the positive aspects of men is a good thing, but don’t get carried away by smiling or looking happy. Even an abrupt nod of the head would be going overboard. Instead you should remain as stony-faced as possible, like real men who have fought in wars but don’t talk about it.

Don’t invite women to the festivities

Women have a whole day a year to celebrate how great they are, despite men’s best efforts to ruin it. So on International Men’s Day women should step back and give men room to bask in their brilliance for once. Given that they’re expected to do this on every other day of the year it should be easy for them.

Watch films that celebrate masculinity

You can get away with marathoning Die Hard, Terminator 2 and The Expendables in a single evening if you call it a screening of films which explore the masculine point of view. You’re challenging gender norms, definitely not watching your favourite movies with lots of kick-ass explosions and high-octane action set pieces.

Acknowledge all the amazing men in your life

International Men’s Day is the perfect time to acknowledge all the men who helped make you who you are. Take a moment to be grateful for Homer Simpson, Walter White, that guy who played Deadpool, and maybe even your dad if you’re still in contact. If you have sons, tell them they’re not all that bad really.

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How to explain to your kids what school was like before mobile phones

YOUR kids won’t believe you when you claim not to have had a phone at school. Here’s how to explain the strange and alien educational world you once inhabited.

You couldn’t bring your phone to class with you

It was unheard of. Well, not quite. Nathan Muir of form 4A once unplugged his green family phone from next to the umbrella stand and brought it into class, trying to find a socket to plug it into so he could call the speaking clock using the rotary dial. He was hauled out and flogged before the entire school. And this was 1987.

You had to stare into space

There was no screen to stare at while Miss Boring was droning on about rainforests in geography class. You simply had to stare at nothingness. Ask kids what vacantly staring into space is nowadays and they’ve no idea what you’re talking about. Pampered or what?

The lesson wasn’t optional

Without being able to text your mates or fiddle with games, you had to pay attention to the lesson you had been sent to school to do. You couldn’t just do something else on your phone if you got bored. It’s literally unbelievable now, but we swear to God this is absolutely true.

You had to pass notes to mates using pen and paper

Tell kids now that you used pens and paper and they’ll think you’re some sort of time traveller. Before texting, if you wanted to tell your mate who was a slag you had to write it down, the hard, honest way. Then lift a heavy piece of paper and lug it over to Trisha several feet away.

You had to judge your peers by other things

You couldn’t just decide who was worth being friends with by seeing if they had the latest phone thanks to their shallow, nouveau, status-obsessed parents. You had to do some detective work and work out who was a pov due to their flimsy sports bag off the market, super-cheap Hi-Tec trainers or hand-me-down uniform. Only then could you ostracise them cruelly.

If you wanted to bully someone, you had to physically punch them in the face 

There was none of this namby-pamby psychological bullying via Snapchat. You didn’t give anyone a nosebleed with an emoticon. You had to drag them down by their big collars and give them a proper, non-virtual hiding. It was good exercise, so childhood obesity wasn’t a problem back then, and there were no monthly phone charges with hidden add-ons either!