The mums' guide to fighting at the school gates

HAVING a fight while doing the school run is an increasingly popular pastime with mums looking to establish dominance and keep healthy. Here’s how to get into a ruck and come out on top: 

Find a flimsy excuse for kicking off

A gambit similar to the pub fight favourite ‘Did you spill my pint?’, adapted for the educational sector, is ‘Did you just nudge my buggy?’ or ‘I hear your Liam’s shit at spelling’. Violence will ensue.

Foment personal tensions

To make a confrontation really personal and get straight to the eye-gouging stage you need to get under other mums’ skin. Pump your child for informations so you can use lines like ‘D’you piss yourself when you do a maths test, Sandra, like your Lucy does?’

Fight dirty

There are no rules when you’re fighting a mum-of-three outside a school, each wielding a two-year-old in a Quinny Moodd. Headbutting, biting and scratching are where it starts. If you’ve got serious beef with a mum – say her son’s reading age is higher than your son’s – don’t be afraid to smash a French horn upside her head. It’s only borrowed from school.

Have a pop at a teacher

Mum fights aren’t just about the adrenalin rush, you also want respect. And what better way to get it than battering that stuck-up deputy head who said your little angel Callum had ‘behaviour issues’?

Watch out for the pigs

If the truth be told, rozzers like a bit of argy-bargy themselves. If you’re planning a mass brawl outside your child’s primary school, learn from football hooligans and get the other mums to act as lookouts.

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I've got a Brexit idea I think you'll love, May tells Parliament

THE prime minister has contacted Parliament with an innovative and fresh idea of how to take Brexit forward that she would just love them to consider. 

Theresa May told the Commons that if they are looking for plans that can gain wider acceptance among MPs, then as it turns out she has the very thing all ready.

She continued: “If it’s compromise you want this is perfect. It still means we leave the EU but we remain absolutely tied to it in every way that matters, benefiting from all their trade deals and so on.

“There’s even a special ‘backstop’ clause which mean they can’t get rid of us even if they want to! Clever or what?

“Hard Brexiters absolutely hate it, which has got to be a good sign for you guys, and guess what – it’s actually been pre-approved by the EU themselves. I know! Brilliant!

“Get this on the table and we could have Brexit sorted within a fortnight. Sounds too good to be true, right? Here’s the catch: it isn’t.”

Oliver Letwin said: “This is absolutely perfect. I can’t understand why we’ve not seen it before.”