HAVING a fight while doing the school run is an increasingly popular pastime with mums looking to establish dominance and keep healthy. Here’s how to get into a ruck and come out on top:
Find a flimsy excuse for kicking off
A gambit similar to the pub fight favourite ‘Did you spill my pint?’, adapted for the educational sector, is ‘Did you just nudge my buggy?’ or ‘I hear your Liam’s shit at spelling’. Violence will ensue.
Foment personal tensions
To make a confrontation really personal and get straight to the eye-gouging stage you need to get under other mums’ skin. Pump your child for informations so you can use lines like ‘D’you piss yourself when you do a maths test, Sandra, like your Lucy does?’
There are no rules when you’re fighting a mum-of-three outside a school, each wielding a two-year-old in a Quinny Moodd. Headbutting, biting and scratching are where it starts. If you’ve got serious beef with a mum – say her son’s reading age is higher than your son’s – don’t be afraid to smash a French horn upside her head. It’s only borrowed from school.
Have a pop at a teacher
Mum fights aren’t just about the adrenalin rush, you also want respect. And what better way to get it than battering that stuck-up deputy head who said your little angel Callum had ‘behaviour issues’?
Watch out for the pigs
If the truth be told, rozzers like a bit of argy-bargy themselves. If you’re planning a mass brawl outside your child’s primary school, learn from football hooligans and get the other mums to act as lookouts.