F**king hell we could have just brought back hanging, say Tories

SENIOR Conservatives have regretfully realised a referendum on capital punishment would probably have served the same purpose as Brexit.

With Brexit chaos worsening, Tory politicians now agree most Leave voters would have been perfectly happy with a vote to snap the necks of any criminals more serious than shoplifters.

Chief whip Denys Finch Hatton said: “Brexit’s tearing the party apart and will cost the UK billions. All you need for hanging is a scaffold, a hangman and a noose. Bargain.

“Brexiters love capital punishment. They’d have been happy with that. But oh no, we had to rile them up the gammons and make them hate a capitalist trading organisation. And us the party of business.

“Why didn’t we just send Iain Duncan Smith to B&Q with 100 quid for planks and rope? I know him and Esther McVey would have been happy to wear the hoods.”

Voter Donna Sheridan said: “I like capital punishment, but there should have been choices like guillotine, shooting or flaying. Otherwise it’s not democratic.

“I don’t see why we can’t have the best of both worlds and hang everyone in the EU.”

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No-deal Brexit will be easy because MP with balloon for a head was in the TA

A NO-DEAL Brexit will be a doddle because a Tory MP with a balloon for a head has served in the Territorial Army, it has been confirmed.

The inflatable clown toy admitted that no-deal may involve a few ‘bumps in the road’ but stressed that if you are tough like him, the bumps will be like the tiny balloons you find in bubble-wrap.

The bulbous rubber oaf said: “If you’re an intellectual ponce who was not in the TA you may find it a bit bumpy. But it’s all for the greater good and it means we will have our freedom.

“The freedom to appear on television and remind people that I was in the TA and am not to be trifled with.”

The vibrating inflatable dildo added: “And it means we will have carried out the clear instruction given to us by the British people. I was in the TA so I know the importance of clear instructions.

“So in summary, I was in the TA and you’re just some ponce.”

Brexit voter Martin Bishop said: “This man should be prime minister.”