Saturday, 15th August 2020

F**king hell we could have just brought back hanging, say Tories

SENIOR Conservatives have regretfully realised a referendum on capital punishment would probably have served the same purpose as Brexit.

With Brexit chaos worsening, Tory politicians now agree most Leave voters would have been perfectly happy with a vote to snap the necks of any criminals more serious than shoplifters.

Chief whip Denys Finch Hatton said: “Brexit’s tearing the party apart and will cost the UK billions. All you need for hanging is a scaffold, a hangman and a noose. Bargain.

“Brexiters love capital punishment. They’d have been happy with that. But oh no, we had to rile them up the gammons and make them hate a capitalist trading organisation. And us the party of business.

“Why didn’t we just send Iain Duncan Smith to B&Q with 100 quid for planks and rope? I know him and Esther McVey would have been happy to wear the hoods.”

Voter Donna Sheridan said: “I like capital punishment, but there should have been choices like guillotine, shooting or flaying. Otherwise it’s not democratic.

“I don’t see why we can’t have the best of both worlds and hang everyone in the EU.”