The shit social gatherings you'll go to this weekend

ALTHOUGH things are returning to ‘normal’, the pandemic is still making life shit. Here are five social gatherings to attend which will prove incredibly disappointing.

A damp picnic

You’re really excited to see your mates but, due to a combination of local lockdowns and paranoia, the only place you can hang out is a park. Unfortunately, the rain will flow freer than the conversation, because no one has anything to say since you’ve done f**k all for six months.

Canal paddle boarding

Nothing livens up a staycation like a nasty cut from a submerged shopping trolley. Paddle boards were once the preserve of hipster twats, but now the canals are heaving with middle-class families who should stay in their gardens and not hog spaces that rightfully belong to people with flats the size of salad spinners.


Fancy a post-lockdown clothes shopping binge? It sounds fun in theory but after visiting just two shops and having a panic attack about whether a germ-ridden person tried those jeans on before you, you’ll scuttle home empty handed.

Garden party with uninvited neighbours

When will the neighbours stop thinking they’re your friends? They were useful during lockdown because of their access to strong bread flour, but that doesn’t mean they can hop over the fence every time you fire up the barbecue and give you a tedious explanation of their new courgette irrigation system.

A meal out

The government has ruined going to restaurants with the Eat Out To Help Out scheme. Now food is back to a normal price it seems like an outrageous extravagance and you can’t help wondering if the veal jus is thinner due to the tears of some poor kitchen porter whose job is on the line.

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Woman using homeopathy to treat coronavirus thinks vaccines are dangerous

A WOMAN using homeopathy to treat the coronavirus she has caught is glad she was not vaccinated against it because it might be dangerous.

Alternative therapist Francesca Johnson has also been using healing crystals and meditation to fight off a disease that has killed almost a million people because she thinks Western medicine is a ‘scam’.

Johnson said: “All those people wouldn’t be in intensive care if they’d tried alternative therapies. It’s probably taking paracetamol that put them there, not Covid.

“I made my remedy by coughing in a jar of water then took a drop and diluted it again 200 times. It took ages but that’s one hell of a powerful homeopathic Covid cure.

“Homeopathic water and some Ayurvedic herbs is all I’ve taken. Admittedly I do feel dangerously unwell, but that’s only because my chakras aren’t properly aligned yet. I’ve got some breathing exercises for that.

“No, I definitely won’t be having a vaccination when they find one. It’s very dangerous and could kill you. There are no such risks with unproven quack remedies from the 18th century.”

Johnson’s boyfriend Steve said: “I’m just waiting until she’s so incapacitated that I can call a proper doctor.”