The Tory voter’s guide to the poor at Christmas

CHRISTMAS is a time to remember the less well-off, and remember it’s their own fault. Here’s how compassionate Conservative voters can help them: 

Patronisingly donate to food banks

Giving to food banks, those proud Tory institutions, is good but donating either stuff to force the underclasses into eating a proper diet, eg kale and celeraic, or food you contemptuously imagine they eat, eg Pot Noodles and tins of all-day breakfast.

Talk to a homeless

Advise them they shouldn’t have got into drugs and alcohol in the first place. Also order them to see a psychiatrist to cure whatever mental illness they’ve got so they can get a job. Then remind them begging is still illegal under the Vagrancy Act 1824. A good Samaritan does not just walk on by.

Give educational presents to children

Dig out and wrap your own offspring’s old GSCE textbooks, then deliver them anonymously to the doorstep of a council house so that maybe they’ll get some qualifications, unlike the feckless, white-cider-swilling scum who spawned them.

Read Charles Dickens through their letterboxes

Victorian social reformer Dickens teaches us some important lessons about poverty, such as workhouses are an excellent way to keep chav children off the streets, and that the deserving can always be lifted out of poverty by a rich benefactor. Such comforting messages.

Volunteer at a homeless shelter

Under the guise of making gravy, watch out for supposedly ‘homeless’ people who look quite clean and healthy, suggesting they actually live in a hostel. Then report them to the police for fraud, because that’s what it is.

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Watching 'Elf' make everything better

ELF film and booze make everything  nice, thinks tired Britain. 

Bad election thing Brexit not think about. Curtains closed and lights on tree and festive Elf film, heartwarming message, warm glow.

Tired man Tom Booker say: “Knackered. F**king long year. Not good things happen. Me eat mince pie and watch film.

“Elf funny. Make laugh. Pretty girl like elf. Everyone happy at end. Me happy too.”

Wife Rebecca Booker agree: “Me find sparkly lights and put round window. Lights so sparkly. Sofa so squishy. Me put tall man dressed in funny clothes on telly. Everything fine now.”

New leader of tired people Boris Johnson say: “Tired people. Excellent. Me get Brexit done.”