The wankers have got there first, Britain learns

TODAY the UK is to attempt to visit a beach, open-air pool or country park only to discover the wankers have got there first.

Following a week of searing heat, the entire country has resolved to visit a location where they can make the most of it only to discover it is already packed with twats.

Nathan Muir of Crawley said: “We woke up, f**king boiling already, and decided the only way the day could be at all bearable was if we got to the coast. Delightfully, everyone else had the same idea.

“So we queued in traffic, then we circled car parks, then we headed to a litter-strewn beach where every inch was already taken by up-early arseholes with picnic blankets and fold-out chairs. It sucked. We’re doing it again tomorrow.”

Personal trainer Jo Kramer agreed: “The open-air pool was booked, all the National Trusts were full and so we went on the Four Waterfalls trail, which was essentially a four-and-a-half mile shuffling queue of total scum wankers.

“It was awful and brought back terrible memories of shitting in a bag up Snowden back in the summer of 2020. We need another lockdown to keep these pricks at home.”

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One sausage, sparse beans, brown toast: the five worst crimes of a full English breakfast

A FULL English breakfast is a delicate balance of unhealthy ingredients. Messing with the formula in these ways can totally ruin it.

Brown toast

In a meal that contains 2,000 calories, the inclusion of brown bread would be a futile nod to healthy eating. A couple of wholemeal slices aren’t going to offset the fat and grease of the rest of the meal, so don’t even bother. Stick with the cheapest white loaf available and load them up with salted butter as nature intended.

Sparse beans

The foundation of a good fry up is moisture. Ketchup and brown sauce play their part, but they’re supporting actors. Baked beans are the stars who bring the whole heart-attack-inducing platter together, so if your breakfast only contains half a dozen of them you might as well bin it. You could ask for more, but making a reasonable complaint in a cafe is too assertive for a meal with ‘English’ in the title.

One sausage

A full English breakfast is not a meal that does things by halves. Clue’s in the name. If it comes served with a solitary banger then the chef is either taking the piss or marking you out for death like a Mafia kiss. The only item it’s okay to have one of is the weird half of grilled tomato because nobody ever eats them anyway.

A rogue ingredient

Full English breakfasts are the result of generations of culinary evolution, so nobody should be f**king with them by throwing in grilled halloumi or some sliced avocado. Not only would these ingredients go against science and the laws of the universe, they would taste shit and give chefs a chance to charge you more.

Fancy eggs

A full English comes with fried eggs. That’s a constitutional right enshrined in the Magna Carta, probably. Even if it isn’t, why would anyone want scrambled, poached or boiled eggs instead? A greasy spoon breakfast without fried eggs swimming in enough oil to cut 20 years off your life is essentially a salad and should be avoided.