TODAY the UK is to attempt to visit a beach, open-air pool or country park only to discover the wankers have got there first.
Following a week of searing heat, the entire country has resolved to visit a location where they can make the most of it only to discover it is already packed with twats.
Nathan Muir of Crawley said: “We woke up, f**king boiling already, and decided the only way the day could be at all bearable was if we got to the coast. Delightfully, everyone else had the same idea.
“So we queued in traffic, then we circled car parks, then we headed to a litter-strewn beach where every inch was already taken by up-early arseholes with picnic blankets and fold-out chairs. It sucked. We’re doing it again tomorrow.”
Personal trainer Jo Kramer agreed: “The open-air pool was booked, all the National Trusts were full and so we went on the Four Waterfalls trail, which was essentially a four-and-a-half mile shuffling queue of total scum wankers.
“It was awful and brought back terrible memories of shitting in a bag up Snowden back in the summer of 2020. We need another lockdown to keep these pricks at home.”