THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.
According to official statistics there are over 240,000 shit jobs currently available in the UK, to anyone with thumbs and one good eye.
Employment minister, Chris Grayling, said: “I hear a lot of people moaning about how there’s no work, but I could go out there and get a soul-crushing piece of shit job today.
“Just this morning I was speaking to the owner of a budget pie factory who’s been trying for weeks to recruit a full-time Gristle Operative to manually unblock his processing tubes when they become clogged with fragments of hoof, sphincter and brain.
“I recently spoke to the manager of a nocturnal call centre where they need staff to ring confused pensioners at 3am and speak in a spooky voice, pretending to be a deceased relative who will be tortured in hell forever unless they buy some guttering.
“People might moan ‘I don’t want to do that, it’s shit’. I’m like yes, I understand, but fuck you.
“You should’ve worked harder at school.
“Or at the very least gone to a fee-paying school and not worked very hard but developed an extensive network of influential contacts who are likely to need a paid golf partner.”
Unemployed man, Bill McKay, said: “The problem is Polish people, coming over here in insufficient numbers to take all the shit jobs and thus give me a bona fide reason to dedicate my life to memorising every episode of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman.”