There's no shortage of shit jobs, minister tells unemployed

THOUSANDS of jobs involving raw meat and extreme temperatures are there for the taking, the government has claimed.

According to official statistics there are over 240,000 shit jobs currently available in the UK, to anyone with thumbs and one good eye.

Employment minister, Chris Grayling, said: “I hear a lot of people moaning about how there’s no work, but I could go out there and get a soul-crushing piece of shit job today.

“Just this morning I was speaking to the owner of a budget pie factory who’s been trying for weeks to recruit a full-time Gristle Operative to manually unblock his processing tubes when they become clogged with fragments of hoof, sphincter and brain.

“I recently spoke to the manager of a nocturnal call centre where they need staff to ring confused pensioners at 3am and speak in a spooky voice, pretending to be a deceased relative who will be tortured in hell forever unless they buy some guttering.

“People might moan ‘I don’t want to do that, it’s shit’. I’m like yes, I understand, but fuck you.

“You should’ve worked harder at school.

“Or at the very least gone to a fee-paying school and not worked very hard but developed an extensive network of influential contacts who are likely to need a paid golf partner.”

Unemployed man, Bill McKay, said: “The problem is Polish people, coming over here in insufficient numbers to take all the shit jobs and thus give me a bona fide reason to dedicate my life to memorising every episode of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman.”



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Ferdinand not sleazy enough to captain England

RIO Ferdinand does not have the commanding sleaze of a world class sexual predator needed to captain England, Fabio Capello has claimed.

The England coach wants to hand the skipper’s armband back to John Terry, insisting he can motivate the squad with his unwavering commitment to fucking their wives and girlfriends.

Capello said: “Rio is far too interested in running fancy magazines and tweeting statements that, for a centre back, are quite stunningly nuanced and intelligent.

“At no point has he picked my brains about finding really good whores in Sardinia or asked me to hold his coat while he pumps some giggly skank in the bogs of a service station.

“He has simply been tall and shouty.”

He added: “John Terry will be a commanding presence on the pitch and in the dressing room, as well as building personal relationships with the players, asking where they live, what time they get home from training and whether their wives like it up the dirtbox.

“I truly believe he will lead the squad with great stature before tearing it apart just in time for the European Championship finals.

“I hope it’s my wife he’s fucking at the time. Wouldn’t that be brilliant?”