Thing You Pay The Bank To Let Keep Your Stuff In Is Worth £6000 Less

THE thing you keep your stuff in that’s owned by the bank and that no-one wants to buy anyway is worth £6000 less than it used to be, according to new research.

The Halifax monthly thing price survey found that if there was even the slightest possibility of anyone wanting to buy the place where your stuff is you would just end up owing the Halifax even more money.

A spokesman said: “This is the biggest thing price fall since there were records. So, that’s maybe 1984? When did Brothers in Arms come out?

“Anyway, what it means for the likes of you is that for the time being you should probably just keep living there, giving us our FUCKING MONEY every month and making yourself feel better by putting up a new coat hook as part of your elaborate pretence at ownership.

“When it’s time to MOVE THE FUCK OUT we’ll send you a really nice letter with lots of confusing numbers on it.”

Helen Archer, who has permission from a group of Spaniards to keep her stuff in a two bedroom thing in Finsbury Park, said: “Sometimes I think about not paying the Spaniards and then I imagine what it would be like if everyone did the same.

“And sometimes I mention this to other people and they shout at me very loudly and say, ‘No! That would be very very bad! Everyone would die!’ And then they call me a ‘stupid bloody cow’.

“But I’m pretty sure that everyone would actually be just fine and then we would all have a place that really was our own. But I don’t say that out loud. Because of the shouting.”

She added: “Do you like my new coat hook?”




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Documentary To Show Taliban Thinking Prince Harry's An Arsehole

A SHOCKING drama-documentary will show the Taliban kidnapping Prince Harry and then regretting it almost immediately.

The 90-minute film depicts the Afghan fighters descending quickly into violent recriminations over whose idea it was to snatch the unbearable little shit in the first place.

Within minutes of being taken from an army convoy the prince is seen giving nicknames to his Afghan enemies, including ‘Beardy Bob’, ‘Tommo’ and ‘Jim-Jam’.

He then spends his first 48 hours in captivity borrowing cigarettes and asking everyone who comes into his cell how many girls they have had sex with.

The prince also makes constant demands for champagne while urging his captors to play a drinking game called ‘boozy tits’. When they remind him they are all devout muslims he calls them ‘homos’ and asks for a pornographic magazine.

At the end of day three, senior Taliban figures are shown discussing their options including feeding him to a rabid goat, casually pushing him over a cliff or sealing him inside a cave in the Tora Bora mountains with Graham Norton.

But they eventually concede that killing the prince would be a tactical error and instead agree that any Taliban fighter showing even the faintest glimmer of sanity would be punished by guarding Harry for an entire weekend.

In one particularly harrowing scene, the third in line to the throne is shown being interrogated, but continually interrupts the questions and asks everyone in the room how many girls they have had sex with.

When he is met with silence he bursts out laughing and says ‘it’s none, isn’t it? – you’re all virgins’ before shouting ‘virgins!’ over and over again until one of the younger Taliban breaks rank and punches him right in the face.

The scene ends with a large quantity of cheering.