IT’S said that women make the best spies because they don’t have a compulsion to blurt out information like men do. They certainly struggle with these topics…
Having purchased a gift for his partner a man’s willpower will be stretched to the limit trying to contain the information. If the gift was bought at a bargain price – he thinks he’s incredibly shrewd for noticing a ‘reduced’ sticker – anyone on social media will know about it before he leaves the store.
Anyone they’ve shagged
Knowing they’ve shagged someone tries to get out of a man’s brain like xenomorph blood burning a hole in the Nostromo. The shaggee doesn’t matter, an entirely predictable bunk-up with a colleague who clearly always fancied him will be related with the same pride as bedding Scarlett Johansson, the young Brigitte Bardot and Helen of Troy simultaneously.
Various options exist. There’s the relatively subtle ‘I’m not spoiling anything, but pay attention to this next scene’. Or there’s the comprehensive film-ruiner ‘Ben Affleck didn’t do all that stuff to his wife, she’s a psycho’. If your male partner was a spy, the enemy could save time by not torturing him for information and just asking him not to give anything away.
Somebody else’s secret
Being entrusted with someone else’s secret will turn a man into him into an incontinent blabbermouth, saying things like: ‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ and ‘Strictly between you, me and the bedpost, did you know…’ He will then have the nerve to claim women are terrible gossips.
Events in his bowels
Certain men feel a sense of triumph at creating a particularly noxious fart, and this achievement should be shared throughout the land. As should birthing a very large turd, which basically just means you’ve eaten too much. Expect excessive detail it will be very hard to forget, eg. ‘The tip was poking out of the water like a plesiosaur!’
A man’s opinion is something that should never be kept secret, in his opinion. Given his in-depth knowledge of everything from military tactics to what’s in a pork pie via cold fusion and the career of Clare Grogan, it’s frankly amazing he hasn’t been elected President of Planet Earth.