Things no man can keep secret

IT’S said that women make the best spies because they don’t have a compulsion to blurt out information like men do. They certainly struggle with these topics…


Having purchased a gift for his partner a man’s willpower will be stretched to the limit trying to contain the information. If the gift was bought at a bargain price – he thinks he’s incredibly shrewd for noticing a ‘reduced’ sticker – anyone on social media will know about it before he leaves the store.

Anyone they’ve shagged

Knowing they’ve shagged someone tries to get out of a man’s brain like xenomorph blood burning a hole in the Nostromo. The shaggee doesn’t matter, an entirely predictable bunk-up with a colleague who clearly always fancied him will be related with the same pride as bedding Scarlett Johansson, the young Brigitte Bardot and Helen of Troy simultaneously.

Plot twists

Various options exist. There’s the relatively subtle ‘I’m not spoiling anything, but pay attention to this next scene’. Or there’s the comprehensive film-ruiner ‘Ben Affleck didn’t do all that stuff to his wife, she’s a psycho’. If your male partner was a spy, the enemy could save time by not torturing him for information and just asking him not to give anything away.

Somebody else’s secret

Being entrusted with someone else’s secret will turn a man into him into an incontinent blabbermouth, saying things like: ‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…’ and ‘Strictly between you, me and the bedpost, did you know…’ He will then have the nerve to claim women are terrible gossips. 

Events in his bowels

Certain men feel a sense of triumph at creating a particularly noxious fart, and this achievement should be shared throughout the land. As should birthing a very large turd, which basically just means you’ve eaten too much. Expect excessive detail it will be very hard to forget, eg. ‘The tip was poking out of the water like a plesiosaur!’

His opinion

A man’s opinion is something that should never be kept secret, in his opinion. Given his in-depth knowledge of everything from military tactics to what’s in a pork pie via cold fusion and the career of Clare Grogan, it’s frankly amazing he hasn’t been elected President of Planet Earth.

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Total twats the person you fancy will inevitably go out with

LOVE hurts, especially if your true love isn’t interested and is seeing some twat, leaving you to watch miserably from the sidelines. Here are the shitty bastards they’ll choose over you.

The selfish guy 

You’d never make the woman you love do tedious things like watching your crappy Sunday league team. But she does it uncomplainingly with this guy. When did she suddenly turn into a simpering 1950s American housewife? Baffling, and you’re a bit narked you never got the chance to make her put up with your tedious interests.

The conventionally successful person 

Who could pick this boring individual over a free-wheeling type like you? Er, someone who fancies some sort of stability, proper holidays instead of camping, and decent birthday presents rather than jokily ‘ironic’ ones like a spatula. You resolve to be a bit more mature, until you meet the person in question and their incessant boring work talk makes you want to rip your own brain out and stamp on it.

The moron

They have the obvious good looks of Meghan Barton-Hanson off Love Island or Vernon Kay, with the IQ of a mushroom to match. Is your true love actually a bit shallow? Or are you pissed off because it’s an unwelcome reminder that you’re only hopelessly in love with them because they’re fit?

The wanker

Not sour grapes, they’re objectively a weapons-grade wanker. Crimes may include their shrieky laugh as they wet themselves over Michael McIntyre, their love of ‘bantz’, or having hidden, surprisingly bigoted views. It’s a genuinely inexplicable love match and you’ll just have to accept it’s an unanswerable question, like whether parallel universes exist. (Try not to dwell on the one where you’re going out with the person you fancy.)

The sporty person 

To be honest you can see the appeal of someone with a great bod who can walk up a hill without sweating like a sprinkler system. But you can’t escape the fact that they are a twat, with their constant running updates and fitness humblebragging. You’re pretty sure you beloved isn’t into hanging out with their monomaniac Tough Mudder pals either. 

The person who’s better than you in every way

They’ve pinched all your good traits and improved on them. You’re tolerably attractive, they look a bit like Ryan Reynolds. You’ve got an okay job, they somehow work in the film industry. You can make the person you fancy laugh, their humour is both funny and perceptive and doesn’t rely on quoting The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. There’s f**k all you can do in this scenario, except murder them, and the chances of shagging your true love will be significantly reduced by 35 years in prison.