Throwing a shit out of a window now romance

THROWING a turd out of a window, then retrieving it, then being rescued by firemen, is now considered romantic. 

After similar exploits went viral, women across Britain are finding themselves rejected by men who want real romance like fishing your own excrement out of a toilet, then disposing of it badly and becoming painfully trapped. 

Nathan Muir said: “I keep getting these woman who come back from the toilet with no thrilling stories to share and who seem offended when I ask.

“I’m just an old-fashioned romantic who wants to meet the right girl upside down over a shit, a bit like in that famous scene in Romeo and Juliet where she lobs a huge log off the balcony and it hits Mercutio in the eye.” 

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You can demand the papers of anyone suspiciously foreign after Brexit, leak reveals

BRITONS will be empowered to demand the papers of anyone a bit foreign-looking after Brexit, a leak has revealed. 

Home Office plans show that every UK resident will be empowered to check the papers of suspected EU nationals, either on the spot or by setting up improvised ‘street corner checkpoints’. 

Roy Hobbs of Hitchin said: “I see them every day, mocking me with their brown eyes and refusal to salute war memorials. A fifth column operating among us.

“Finally I’ll have the power that should be every Englishman’s birthright to challenge anyone I don’t like the look of to prove their legitimacy. 

“I’ll probably check everyone on my train every morning, then in the evening I’ll get the family to roadblock the cul-de-sac so we can make sure nobody’s sneaking in to sabotage our resolve. 

“The Scots’ll need papers as well, of course. And the Welsh. And Remoaners.” 

He added: “I’m already practicing saying ‘Papers, please!’ in front of the mirror every day. I’ll be just like the heroes in the war films.”