subscribe
/ Sign Out

Today's interest rate rise: How will it f**k you up?

INTEREST rates are expected to go up by 0.75 per cent today – the biggest increase since 1989. How will that f**k up you up specifically?

Homeowner

You’re in the shit. Because of the size of your house and mortgage, that’s another £350 a month you’re paying out, and nobody gives a bugger. Why did you assume interest rates would remain a reasonable 0.5 per cent permanently? The Tories won’t step in to help and non-homeowners have precisely zero sympathy.

Aspiring homeowner

You’re f**ked. That deposit you were close to saving isn’t enough, and you can’t afford the monthly payments anyway. You’re at mum and dad’s for another year. On the bright side you’ll earn more interest, house prices will fall and you’ll be able to afford somewhere great in two years. Only problem is you’ll have no job by then.

Renter

You’re living in someone’s pension and their pension contributions just went up. Guess who’s paying? Not them; they’re already paying extra on the mortgage on their massive house. Your rent goes up next month. And forget finding somewhere affordable, because so does everyone else’s.

Landlord

You did the responsible thing and jacked the rent up on your buy-to-lets to cover your costs, ignoring the bleating from tenants. You’re not a charity. Except all the tenants have given notice and you can’t rent the flats and default notices are coming in from the banks.

Banks

Everyone should be rushing to deposit money with you and cash in on these great rates. Except you’re offering crap rates because you’re stuck with a shitload of defaulted properties crashing in value and nobody’s got any money to deposit anyway. You might go bust. The government needs to bail you out. Not any of the people above. You.

Mortgage-free retired homeowners with large cash holdings

Your money’s earning interest, but not as fast as inflation’s rising. Your bills are going up and your house is losing value. Even the pension triple lock’s been broken. You don’t understand. You voted, very specifically, for everything to be given to you. What went wrong?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to survive a nuclear war, by the pub dickhead

PUTIN’S threats to unleash Armageddon don’t scare me, because nuclear war is actually very easy to survive. Here I, Wayne Hayes, pub regular and twat, explain how.

Start with a positive mental attitude

Only wimps lie down and die when their town has been blasted to shit by a missile. Instead keep an optimistic outlook as the fallout settles over your house. I’ll maintain my bullish positivity by having my favourite meal every day –  pizza – to keep up morale until the radiation sickness wears off. I’m assuming Domino’s will be open.

Build a bunker

Some rich American tech guys have got expensive state-of-the art bunkers hidden away in the desert, but it’s easy enough to make one in your back garden. I’ve already started digging mine. I’ve told the wife the hole is for a fish pond though, because when I floated the idea previously she told me to stop being a f**king idiot and locked the spade in the shed.

Stockpile food

When the missiles hit, the first thing everyone is going to do is run down to Lidl and start looting, so it’s best to get your food supply prepped now. My kids whined when I sold their trampoline to make way for a stack of tins covered in a tarpaulin, but they’ll be thanking me when their mates are forced to eat their own guinea pigs.

Set up a new society

Governance will obviously fall apart, so some strong guy will need to step in and start leading, and that guy will be me. Everyone will call me Big King Wayne and I’ll rule our cul-de-sac. I’m not worried if a gang of thugs turns up and tries to take my food and women. I’ve seen all the Mad Max films so I’ll just put spikes on my Fiat Punto.

Make the most of the long nuclear winter

Winter’s cosy, right? You spend it snuggled up inside wearing lots of jumpers and Christmas happens too. Nuclear winter will be pretty much the same, I reckon. Apart from when the neighbours try to break in and cannibalise us, or we slowly starve to death. The wife says that sounds better than her usual Christmas with me, so we’re onto a winner.

Next story ›