INTEREST rates are expected to go up by 0.75 per cent today – the biggest increase since 1989. How will that f**k up you up specifically?
Homeowner
You’re in the shit. Because of the size of your house and mortgage, that’s another £350 a month you’re paying out, and nobody gives a bugger. Why did you assume interest rates would remain a reasonable 0.5 per cent permanently? The Tories won’t step in to help and non-homeowners have precisely zero sympathy.
Aspiring homeowner
You’re f**ked. That deposit you were close to saving isn’t enough, and you can’t afford the monthly payments anyway. You’re at mum and dad’s for another year. On the bright side you’ll earn more interest, house prices will fall and you’ll be able to afford somewhere great in two years. Only problem is you’ll have no job by then.
Renter
You’re living in someone’s pension and their pension contributions just went up. Guess who’s paying? Not them; they’re already paying extra on the mortgage on their massive house. Your rent goes up next month. And forget finding somewhere affordable, because so does everyone else’s.
Landlord
You did the responsible thing and jacked the rent up on your buy-to-lets to cover your costs, ignoring the bleating from tenants. You’re not a charity. Except all the tenants have given notice and you can’t rent the flats and default notices are coming in from the banks.
Banks
Everyone should be rushing to deposit money with you and cash in on these great rates. Except you’re offering crap rates because you’re stuck with a shitload of defaulted properties crashing in value and nobody’s got any money to deposit anyway. You might go bust. The government needs to bail you out. Not any of the people above. You.
Mortgage-free retired homeowners with large cash holdings
Your money’s earning interest, but not as fast as inflation’s rising. Your bills are going up and your house is losing value. Even the pension triple lock’s been broken. You don’t understand. You voted, very specifically, for everything to be given to you. What went wrong?