Too early for Christmas trees, say people who police the behaviour of others in their own homes

IT IS too early to put up your Christmas tree, according to those who believe they can dictate what you do in the privacy of your own fucking house.

The self-appointed festive police, who also decide when Christmas products are allowed to be sold, have announced that decoration of any kind must await their approval. 

Carolyn Ryan, from Swindon, said: “Becky at work honestly thought she could put up her tree, fairy lights and everything, this weekend because and I quote ‘It’s almost December.’

“She’s been sent straight back home to put it back in the attic until the 20th, when Christmas will begin at my decree. 

“This isn’t me being a miserable old witch. It’s the law.”

Premature tree erecter Bill McKay said: “I realise now that I was being ridiculous, decorating my home with gaily-coloured lights and sparkly things when there’s still so much dark, wet December to savour. 

“And then of course January and February.”

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Britain First are stupid, say bulldogs

ENGLISH bulldogs have confirmed they think the views of Britain First are wrong.

The powerful, inbred dogs are seen as mascots by the nationalist right-wing group but have stressed that they have no agenda beyond simple pleasures.

Bulldog Roy Hobbs said: “Personally I think anyone should be allowed to come and live here, provided they bring biscuits or other treats. I would describe myself as more greedy than patriotic.

“Despite our intimidating appearance, we bulldogs want only to live in harmony with other dog breeds.

“Frankly I will only leave the house under duress, preferring to sleep for extended periods, but when I do visit the park I enjoy seeing dogs of all shapes and colours running around peacefully, with only the odd bit of growling.

“It’s not like I’m paranoid about foreign dogs like Rhodesian Ridgebacks coming over here and taking over. If that did happen maybe I could breed with one, because frankly my tiny legs and constantly drooling are a design flaw.

He added: “There is an Alsatian that I don’t like but it’s not a racial thing. He just doesn’t respect personal space.”