Tough guy cyclist asserting authority with tinkle-tinkle bell

A CYCLIST who considers himself a warrior of the road announces his presence with the sound of a Disney fairy’s magic wand. 

Middle-aged systems analyst Martin Bishop, who regularly cycles wearing a T-shirt with the slogan ‘It’s not your road, it’s my fucking road’ tries to use the bell to intimidate pedestrians but instead is making them think they have been granted a single wish.

He said: “I am the absolute daddy of this shared-use path and I let everyone know it by firing out sonic warnings like Terminator 2 and his pump-action shotgun.

“Dog walkers, schoolkids, pensioners with shopping bags, they all get a blast of the Bish’s bell, but often it doesn’t really alert them and I have to say excuse me and that ruins it really.

“It’s hard to be a Mad Max-style crazed speed-demon when you’re announcing yourself like a vicar riding past a Women’s Institute cake stall, but the people will learn to fear my jingly tinkles.

“Ding ding! I’m a maniac on two wheels! Ding ding ding!”

Pedestrian Margaret Gerving, aged 72, said: “Goodness me, is it Christmas already. Earlier every year.”

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Freshers amazed they all have different words for 'bread rolls'

A GROUP of freshers from around the UK are amazed at the many regional words they have for bread buns, baps, rolls or muffins. 

The students at the University of Essex, hailing from areas as far removed as Newcastle, Aberystwyth and Cornwall, first discovered the various nomenclatures last week and have yet to tire of them.

Joe Turner of Manchester said: “What the bloody hell is a morning roll when it’s at home? You can’t call it that. It’s hilarious.

“Honestly, I thought we’d reached the limit when little Lisa walked in asking who nicked her cobs, but this is the best yet.

“So wait, Geordie Phil calls them stotties, Myfanwy says teacake, and what do you say? Batch? Are you making that up?”

The kitchen-sharing freshers, who have already shared a range of exaggerated or invented drug experiences and stories illustrating how different they were to people in their hometowns, are planning to take the conversational topic on a tour of other shared accommodation.

Turner added: “Has everyone heard me call one a ‘barm cake’ yet? If not I can say it again.”