Train station piano sorry about all the twats

A TRAIN station piano has apologised for all of the performances made by attention-seeking twats.

Piano Donna Sheridan, located in London St Pancras, feels personally responsible for all of the amateur musicians who cannot resist using her to show off their skills in public.

Sheridan said: “You’re rushing to work and there’s a bunch of people blocking your way because they’re all filming a moron hammering out Clair de lune at the wrong speed.

“Meanwhile I just wanted to retire to a primary school assembly hall or a hipster’s flat where I would be used as a book shelf and place to store old playing cards.”

Public piano player Martin Bishop said: “Train stations can be places of frustration and expensive food, so I like to lift everyone’s spirits by playing Flight of the Bumblebee. I think everyone appreciates the gesture.”

Sheridan added: “What a f*cking dickbag.”

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Man politely asks that you respect his grotesque, idiotic opinions

A 31-year-old man has politely asked that you please respect his crazy, utterly idiotic opinions.

Tom Logan insists the world would be a slightly better place if he gave you the space to explain your perfectly reasonable opinions and you let him demonstrate the full length and width of his insanity.

Logan said: “Is that too much to ask? Can’t we simply be civil? The fact that I may be  completely mental doesn’t mean we can’t have a discussion.

“We don’t have to agree with each other to get along. We just need to acknowledge that your ‘opinion’ is different from my elaborate Jewish conspiracy theory.

“And that’s okay.”