Trendy whisky drinker turning into traditional whisky drinker

A 28-YEAR-OLD who got into whisky because it was fashionable now resembles a middle-aged Scotch drinker, it has emerged.

Hipster Tom Logan’s initial plan to discover ‘small batch’ craft whisky made by people with tasteful tattoos has been replaced by a new one to get pissed while sitting at home in his slippers.

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Six months ago Tom wanted to discover new blends and visit trendy whisky bars, but now he prefers to drink it in his armchair with a little jug of water.

“He’s also stopped droning on about ‘peaty aromas’ and ‘fruity finishes’ in favour of half-finished sentences that sort of trail off into vaguely aggressive mumbling.

“I’m starting to think the true appeal of whisky might be not be its fascinating heritage, but the very high alcohol content.”

Logan said: “I’ve noticed my nose has turned red, but that’s probably just a healthy glow from the ‘water of life’.”

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Woman has feeble clock-based excuse ready to go

A WOMAN has prepared a complicated lie about why she is late for work ‘because of the clocks’.

Helen Archer, who is frequently either late or off sick with some bullshit, told her line manager a rambling anecdote about time zones that she hoped was confusing enough to conceal that she was watching old episodes of First Dates until 3am.

Archer said: “My old phone changed the time automatically, but my new one doesn’t because it’s from Costa Rica and they don’t do daylight saving in Costa Rica. Did I not mention that time I went to Costa Rica?

“I also took a weekend trip to Antwerp, so I had to put the time back an hour when I landed back home. But I must have forgotten to put it forwards an hour when I took off, also someone told me the clocks don’t change in Belgium until next week, I think it’s to do with the mayonnaise industry.

“I actually got to work before anyone else did, but I had to go home again because nobody was here to let me in, and then the bus was late because the driver forgot about the clocks changing.

“Hope that clears that up. Now please excuse me, I need to go and waste another 30 minutes pretending to make a cup of tea.”