Trick-or-treaters seem to think this is America


THOUSANDS of costumed children and their parents are under the mistaken impression that they live in America, it has emerged.

The wrong-headed youngsters will dress up as witches and suchlike to indulge in the American ritual of visiting houses for sweets, something that makes absolutely no sense in the UK.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There is a growing mass delusion involving something called ‘trick or treat’.

“It’s one of those things like monster trucks, Twinkies and Hulk Hogan that they love in the so-called ‘states’ but is in fact completely demented.

“Householders are quite entitled to tell these children to piss off on the basis that they are culturally irrelevant.”

Home owner Bill McKay said: “I had these two little ones turn up dressed as orcs. I held my ground and said, ‘This isn’t America – so fuck off’.

“They went off crying, but sometimes life’s lessons come hard. I am proud of myself.”

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Going to work far more terrifying than ghosts and monsters

WORKING in an office will be the most fear-inducing thing about this Halloween, according to millions of Britons.

Although ghouls, ghosts and goblins may be prowling the shadows tonight, workers agreed that continual office-based tedium is scarier than anything Stephen King might imagine.

Sales co-ordinator Tom Logan said: “If a vampire lunged from a rooftop and sank its six-inch fangs into my neck, my first thought would be ‘great, no more meetings about sales targets’.

“Creatures of darkness are all very well but what really freaks me out is the thought of staring at spreadsheets for the rest of my healthy adult life.”

Database administrator Nikki Hollis said: “The monsters in my office are called bitches and ‘sex pests’. They look like Nosferatu but are much more real.

“I’ve watched Ring a dozen times but when I look out of the window and think ‘I’m here til 6pm every day, pretty much until I peg it’ I start screaming like a banshee.

Psychologist Julian Cook said: “Like Halloween, work is about crossing over into a world of darkness and evil – except less fun.

“The best way of coping is to embrace the madness and just sit at your computer giggling and gnawing on a dead rat.”