Truancy now a GCSE subject

TRUANCY is now a school subject about gaining ‘life skills’.

Persistent truants are now able to gain a GCSE in lesson avoidance while teachers can relax knowing their least-favourite pupils are nowhere near a school.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “The new Truancy GCSE focuses on practical skills pupils will be able to use throughout their lives, such as going to shopping centres, ordering fast food and shoplifting.

“All we’re doing is recognising that some pupils have less of an aptitude for academic subjects like maths, but can really excel at things like throwing chips at each other outside Chicken Cottage.

“As a teacher it makes my day to see a kid who everyone had written off really taking an interest in hanging around the local park.”

14-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Truancy is my best subject because you’re always learning new things like which shops will split a packet of fags and sell them for 30p each.

“Unfortunately avoiding school isn’t as exciting now it’s not forbidden. Sometimes I even think learning about history and shit might be more interesting than sitting in a bus shelter for six hours.”

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Lightweight American politician didn’t even have sex with dead goat

BRITONS have expressed surprise after a US politician killed a goat and drank its blood without also having sex with it.

Florida senate candidate Augustus Sol Invictus slew the animal as part of a pagan ceremony but shamefully did not then attempt to put his penis in it.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford, from Worcester, said: “That is so typical of Americans and their namby-pamby attitude.

“They can only drink about two pints of weak lager before they collapse in a heap, and when they slaughter animals in a ritualised context they don’t even sexually defile the carcass.

“Cameron is a twat but at least he follows through on things.”

Swindon-based bricklayer Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve never felt compelled to kill a goat and drink its blood but if I did I would definitely shag it too.

“I mean you might as well.”