Tube carriage reveals shocking treatment of human livestock

HUMANS are being transported across London in crammed, sweltering underground carriages, it has been revealed.

Onlookers reported seeing the herd animals, including infants and grey-bearded geriatrics, squeezed into the underground compartments so tightly their dumb, helpless faces were pressed up against filthy glass.

Human rights activist Emma Bradford said: “These humans spend their lives shipped back and forth to offices, until eventually they weaken and are shot to become kebab meat.

“In these underground containers they have no breathable air and are immersed in the fetid stench of each other’s steaming bodies.

“There’s no dignity in the way they’re being treated. Boris Johnson should be banned from keeping humans.”

Six-month old veal calf Tom Logan was shown a picture of the Bakerloo line during rush hour. He said: “No fucking way.”

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New Spurs kit just a shirt and socks

TOTTENHAM Hotspur players will line up in 2014/15 wearing a long shirt that barely covers their groins, it has been revealed.

The new kit consists of a baggy thigh-length shirt in classic Tottenham white, above smart white knee socks.

The lack of shorts has caused some consternation among fans, but the club has defended the design as a crucial money-saving measure.

Chairman Daniel Levy said: “These new kits represent a 30% saving on shiny polyester costs, funds that we can use to buy yet more central midfielders who aren’t as good as Luka Modric.

“Plus, Spurs players will experience less wind resistance and chafing, which will give us the edge over teams who merely wish they could experience a soothing breeze around their inner thighs.”

Tottenham fan Tom Logan said: “All my mates laughed at me when I turned up for a kickabout in the new kit.

“Although they laughed at me last season too, so it might be less to do with the lack of shorts and more the whole Spurs thing.”

Levy added that any players concerned about the lack of modesty afforded by the new kits could simply wear a pair of official Tottenham Hotspur pants with ‘Le Coq Sportif’ emblazoned across the crotch.