Computer fad over

FALLING iPad sales have confirmed that the computer fad is now over.

Users say the novelty of computers has worn off, and they will soon go the same way as earlier crazes like go-faster stripes, Beanie Babies and deely boppers.

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “Writing letters on a typewriter, correcting the mistakes with Tippex, putting them in an envelope and taking them to the post office is a lot simpler than fiddling about with a mouse.

“Computers are an interesting idea, but now my company’s got rid of them I just get out my pack of playing cards and have a game of patience whenever I’m at a loose end.”

Teacher Tom Logan said: “I much prefer buying printed pornography, because you get that human interaction with a newsagent.

“I was a bit concerned about giving up Facebook, but now I just phone people twice – once to have a conversation then a second time to say I liked it.”

Interest in computer games has also waned, with ‘gamers’ now preferring play-by-mail strategy games based on the administration of medieval kingdoms.

Gamer Wayne Hayes said: “The anticipation of waiting two weeks for a letter to arrive telling me whether sword production is up or my crops have failed is more exciting than anything in Battlefield 4.

“If I just want a quick ‘coffee break’ game, I go and throw frozen chickens at a pile of pig carcasses and wooden blocks in my back garden.”

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This Commonwealth thing is on all bloody day

Dear Holly, 

I’m in a bit of a mood. This Commonwealth thing is all very well and good but I just checked the Sky TV planner and the bloody thing is on all day long. What about Eastenders FFS?

HRH Queen Elizabeth II

London

Dear Queen,

Did you know that in days of old, people only had a handful of TV channels to watch, and you could only watch children’s programmes at set times, and the rest of the time you were forced to watch awful stuff involving Noel Edmonds? It makes me shudder to think of the hell my ancestors went through without proper access to 24-hour on-demand Doc McStuffins. The inhumanity is almost too much to bear.

Hope that helps,

Holly