Twitter abusers' mums urged to throw them out

THE mothers of men behind Twitter rape threats are being urged to boot them out of the parental homes where they inevitably live.

Helen Archer reached the end of her tether after catching her ageing live-at-home son bombarding female journalists with grotesque sexual advances.

She said: “My son Stephen is 44, but I still cook his tea and wash his pants.

“I thought he was spending all day in his room writing job applications. watching his favourite programme Babylon 5 or at least playing computer games.

“Turns out he was threatening to molest women and campaigning to get a ‘famous rapist’ in the £50 note.

“Well I’m a woman too, I wash his sheets and buy him the expensive ‘Country Crisp’ cereal he likes, and he can bugger off out of this house.

“It’s for his own good really.”

44-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I just desperately want a girlfriend and now I realise that obsessing about sexual violence on a public forum is the wrong way to get a nice lady’s attention.

“Instead I shall try going outside in daylight hours, and get an actual job instead of just selling the odd action figure on Ebay.”

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King's Cross transformed into drug-free hellhole

THE King’s Cross area of London has been transformed into a ghastly business centre where drugs and dirty sex can no longer be purchased openly.

After a £2bn revamp, the formerly excellent quarter of the capital is now full of hi-tech office buildings and dreadful human beings who will try to sell you ‘marketing services’ instead of heroin and cock-fun.

Even the railway station now looks clean and well-ordered, denying passengers the emotional thrill of staring into the skunk-addled face of the person they could so easily have been if they were not already dead inside.

Mayor Boris Johnson last night insisted this was a good thing.

He said: “When I got this job I said I wanted to be the mayor of all of London and the easiest way for me to do that is to make all of London exactly the same.

“God knows I love dirty sex – and one day I may even try smack – but that’s not going to get the business done is it?

“We must do the business, always.”

Roy Hobbs, a guy who lives in his shoes and can get you basically anything, said: “That little side street over there used to be known as Backshaft Alley. It was every bit as exciting as it sounds.

“It now contains a juice bar. Owned by a venture capital firm.

“So anyway, you were saying you wanted to have rough sex with a completely hairless Welshman?”