TWO-year degrees would give students insufficient time to grow stupid, pretentious beards it was claimed last night.
The fast track qualifications would be available for most arts-based courses provided students could demonstrate a sufficient level of misplaced elitist arrogance and unemployability.
But a spokesman for the National Union of Students said: “As it is, three years is barely enough time to stick up your Klimt posters, buy some bongos and annoy the piss out of everyone in your local pub.
“Between making Â£2 purchases with a credit card and walking around looking like a Frenchman, the average student is already struggling to complete its annual seven hours of coursework.”
The spokesman stressed that American degree courses typically last four years, though admitted two of those years are taken up by panty raids and sexual harassment cases.
Many lecturers also oppose the accelerated degree courses, insisting two years is not enough time to teach an impressionable 19 year-old girl the ways of the bedroom.
Wayne Hayes, a 52-year-old Media Studies lecturer, said: “I have quite deliberately structured the three-year degree course to slowly ingrain into the female student’s consciousness the idea that a middle aged penis belonging to an unhappily married Bob Dylan fan is an essential rite of passage.
“Two years would barely get my fingers wet, even from one of the ugly ones in the stripey tights and the bits of metal in their face.”