Uber driver still trying to get man home from New Year’s Eve party

AN UBER driver has still not managed to complete a journey which began in the early hours of this year.

London-based 38-year-old driver Wayne Hayes said: “I’m not fully certain where ‘Richmond Road’ is but it’s definitely getting closer.

“It’s been almost four days now, but the passenger and I are still having good banter despite being tired. I’ve been telling him about keeping pet birds, which is a hobby of mine.”

Hayes’s ongoing New Year’s Eve shift began promisingly with him hanging up a new vanilla air freshener in his Prius. He added: “The difficulties started when the Uber app buzzed, meaning I had to collect a person and drive them somewhere.

“I’m doing what the GPS says but it keeps trying to take us into walls and rivers. If it wasn’t for my common sense we’d both have drowned.”

Passenger Tom Booker said: “At first I was glad the driver was so close since I was dressed like Jack Sparrow. But now that we’ve being driving for all of this year, with only short breaks for petrol and urination, I just want my bed.

“Wayne’s doing his best but probably I should just take the bus at this point. I think we’ll keep in touch as friends though.”

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Farage stalked by ‘bellend killer’

THE ‘assassination’ attempt on Nigel Farage may be the work of a serial killer with a grudge against bellends, police believe.

After the UKIP leader’s car was apparently sabotaged, detectives said they were looking for a psychopath who may have had a traumatic childhood encounter with a twat.

DI Tom Logan said: “We believe a disturbed individual has seen Mr Farage’s hellish ‘bloke down the pub’ routine or heard him slyly stigmatising Eastern Europeans and thought ‘Christ, this guy’s a fucker.’

“The ‘Bellend Killer’ probably had a boorish uncle who thought he was being terribly daring by telling racist jokes.

“It’s entirely likely they will strike again, so we’re urging Jeremy Clarkson to go about his business, as normal.”

He added: “We did assign bodyguards to Mr Farage, but after six hours of him wanking on about ‘eurocrats’ and ‘Herr Merkel’ they left him tied to a tree by a busy road.”