UK to become inquiry-based economy

BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.

With one in ten of the nation’s workforce currently conducting, the subject of, or reporting on a judicial review, several companies are setting up public inquiry call centres in the north of England.

Centre supervisor Tom Logan said: “We offer a bespoke service with everything from a quick brush under the carpet to a complete three-ring circus that takes so long everybody gets completely bored by the whole thing and forgets what it was about, leaving you to carry on as before.

“Whether you’re a government that’s let a mining company use child labourers as sandbags during open-cast blasting or you’re just a parent who wants to know who keeps using the last of the toilet roll without replacing it, we can provide an inquisition to suit your needs.”

Massive recruitment drives are underway to train people in vital enquiry skills, from fiddling awkwardly with a desktop microphone to asking somebody to clarify a point in Spanish, Mandarin, Russian and the other main languages where service demand is anticipated.

As the public inquiry market becomes increasingly saturated, some companies have started cold-calling large firms and governments, claiming to have news on a financial scandal they were involved in and offering to look into it for a special rate.

Roy Hobbs, a self-employed South American dictator said: “I was sat at home one evening watching Two & A Half Men when somebody rang to say my junta had been involved in vote-rigging and that they could hold an international peacekeeping investigation into it by Tuesday week.

“I knew I hadn’t used my junta in years and as far as I knew they were still stored in their barracks but the man sounded so convincing I gave him my bank details over the phone there and then. Now I feel like such an idiot.”

A public inquiry into the illegal practices used by new public inquiry firms has also been set up, with three of the major firms bidding to investigate themselves.



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Harry Styles abducted by Loose Women

POLICE fear the worst for pop singer Harry Styles after he was taken from a nightclub by the presenters of ITV’s Loose Women.

Fresh-faced One Direction rascal Styles was last seen being bundled into the boot of a car by Denise Welch and her co-harridans. Onlookers claim he was attempting to scream for help but had been gagged with a neon pink Anne Summers thong.

Detective Inspector Tom Booker said: “Styles’ penchant for older women is well documented.

“Sadly it was only a matter of time before he attracted the attention of ITV’s noisy succubi, who may have interpreted his behaviour as some sort of challenge.”

Police believe the 19-year-old is being held in a flat full of Pinot Grigio and Beryl Cook pictures, ‘like a shrine to the menopause’.

Detective Inspector Booker said: “Styles will initially be subjected to suggestive comments by Sherrie Hewson and Janet Street-Porter, including thinly-veiled demands to see his ‘winkie’ followed by a chorus middle-aged cackling.

“There is a slim chance that Carol McGiffin who is the least mental one, will rein in the group and release him with only minor claw marks.

“However it is more likely that Welch will ride him until his mind snaps, like a Texan ranch hand breaking a particularly unruly pony.”