BRITAIN will drag itself out of recession by conducting public inquiries for cash, say economists.
With one in ten of the nations workforce currently conducting, the subject of, or reporting on a judicial review, several companies are setting up public inquiry call centres in the north of England.
Centre supervisor Tom Logan said: We offer a bespoke service with everything from a quick brush under the carpet to a complete three-ring circus that takes so long everybody gets completely bored by the whole thing and forgets what it was about, leaving you to carry on as before.
Whether youre a government thats let a mining company use child labourers as sandbags during open-cast blasting or youre just a parent who wants to know who keeps using the last of the toilet roll without replacing it, we can provide an inquisition to suit your needs.
Massive recruitment drives are underway to train people in vital enquiry skills, from fiddling awkwardly with a desktop microphone to asking somebody to clarify a point in Spanish, Mandarin, Russian and the other main languages where service demand is anticipated.
As the public inquiry market becomes increasingly saturated, some companies have started cold-calling large firms and governments, claiming to have news on a financial scandal they were involved in and offering to look into it for a special rate.
Roy Hobbs, a self-employed South American dictator said: I was sat at home one evening watching Two & A Half Men when somebody rang to say my junta had been involved in vote-rigging and that they could hold an international peacekeeping investigation into it by Tuesday week.
I knew I hadnt used my junta in years and as far as I knew they were still stored in their barracks but the man sounded so convincing I gave him my bank details over the phone there and then. Now I feel like such an idiot.
A public inquiry into the illegal practices used by new public inquiry firms has also been set up, with three of the major firms bidding to investigate themselves.